The Nth of Bigtobest

Best and Worst of 2007 in No Particular Order

2008-01-15T00:18:00.000-05:00

So, I know what you’ve been thinking. Big. Where’s the obligatory best and worst films of 2007 blog? I tell you where, below!

Keep in mind that this isn’t a necessarily fair list, as I haven’t seen everything – I only counted things I have seen, except in the matter of Codename: The Cleaner. This is a VERY safe bet.

10 BEST

300

This is the rare occasion where the film is an improvement on the comic. I always thought that the Frank Miller Graphic Novel was mediocre at best, but the movie really popped. It’s an overly testosteroned goofy cartoon about the battle of Thermopylae with a ridiculous amount of blood, abs, and hooters – but in a good way.

The Lookout

Joseph Gordon Levitt is amazing in this thing. Between this film and last year’s Brick, I think he can finally put Third Rock from the Sun behind him.

Levitt plays a night porter at a bank after a car accident leaves him mentally impaired. A group of good-for-nothing ne’er-do-wells manage to bully him into serving as a lookout while they pull a robbery at the bank where he mops nightly. Levitt’s character must work extra hard to sabotage the heist while at the same time anticipating his own shortcomings in order to stay one step ahead of the scoundrels.

It sort of reminded me of Memento in that the main character had a self-awareness about his own condition and had to work a step ahead of himself in order to succeed.

Grindhouse

A rare cinematic treat. The campy fun of sitting in the theatre while this double feature ran with the fake trailers and all was awesome. A visionary endeavor – so terribly unfortunate that it didn’t hit.

Hot Fuzz

What Shawn of the Dead did for Zombies, this did for the action film. Simon Pegg is brilliant.

Gone, Baby Gone

When I first read that Ben Affleck was directing a film, I cringed - the kind of cringe where someone walks over your grave. Deep, bone-chilling dread. Imagine how pleasantly surprised I was to find that… he’s actually a pretty good director. The film had great pacing, nice character development, and a compelling, thought provoking, tragic story. I only hope it encourages him to do less acting. His brother Casey, on the other hand, was fantastic in the movie.

Juno

About fifteen minutes into Juno, I was thinking how plain it was. The dialog was really over-written, particularly in the case of Juno’s best friend, who was maybe just not a good enough actress to make the lines sound unclumsy. Either way, the peppy "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" zippy lines could have been toned down a tad. They work on Buffy because it’s basically a cartoon.

Anyhoo – the charm and wit and depth of the characters really creeps up on you to where you’re very invested by the end. The main characters aren’t as two-dimensional as they started out to be and I found myself wishing I was a teenage girl, because I was so in love with Michael Cera.

Sidenote: When Michael Cera prepares to go running, he applies runner’s glide to his inner thighs. It’s a product that prevents frictional chafing. I only mention it because it tends to get a pretty good laugh out of the crowd, who undoubtedly thinks it’s deodorant. Spread the word.

No Country For Old Men

Coen Brothers crime picture. Tommy Lee Jones. Javier Bardem. Tough to go wrong.

Best picture of the last few years, in my opinion.

The Lives of Others

East Germans spying on its citizens. This is the story of a police sponsored voyeur who gets too close to his subject. I liked it a lot.

Superbad

First off, everyone went to school with McLovin. This is why the movie works. A few things didn’t work as well, but overall, it was good for a laugh or two.

Ratatouille

Pixar’s like… really good at making animated movies. I think this one ran a little long, it may not have worked so well for younger kids, and I could have lived without the country cabin prologue that really didn’t give you any information that you couldn’t have been given later – BUT, when the food critic chomped on the ratatouille and had the flashback of eating the dish as a child, NAIL ON THE HEAD.

10 Worst

Codename: The Cleaner

Clearly a terrible movie – don’t need to see it to know it.

Primeval

A huge alligator eats people. It’s Lake Placid, without Betty White.

Hannibal Rising

No one told them that nobody cares anymore.

Norbit

Only saw a little bit. Strange and somewhat offensive that it’s so acceptable to make fun of the overweight.

Ghost Rider

Almost that good kind of bad where it’s so bad, it’s good? But not quite – mostly just bad.

28 Weeks Later

I think I may have already blogged about this, but this movie lost me in the first scene.

This group of people are bunkered down at a structure that is quite nearly describable as a castle. It is a British country mansion with four wings that complete a square, surrounding and enclosed courtyard in the center. This troupe of zombie apocalypse survivors however, stay in the super exposed corner of the manor with rags stuck between crudely built walls to hide from the zombies. I mean this is undoubtedly the servant quarters. They’re basically hiding in Helm’s Deep’s out-house. Stupid.

Then a bunch of shit happens and zombies attack while people repeatedly make spectacularly poor decisions.

Bug

This was a play that was adapted to a film. Here’s the problem – it’s really stupid.

The play, I could see working. At a live performance, you have to use more of your imagination. If the actors are screaming about bugs everywhere, you can wonder whether of not they’re crazy. In a film, what you see is what you get.

Couple that with the spectacularly absent acting chops of Ashley Judd and you may as well forget it.

I Know Who Killed Me

Lindsey Lohann is kidnapped.

She’s found days later, missing a limb or two or something.

Her personality is much more whorish than when she vanished.

Come to find out - this was her twin, who was separated at birth. When the first Lindsey Lohann was being dismembered by the killer, her twin, who was a stripper in another town, experienced sympathy amputation similar to stigmata.

No shit – that’s the story.

Shoot ‘Em Up

Terrible.

Love in the Time of Cholera

Like watching paint dry. Actually like watching paint that is already dry... in the time of cholera.

Not That Anyone Cares What I Think

2007-10-26T02:21:00.001-04:00

I know what you’ve been thinking. What’s Big been up to? Well, I’ll tell you: Nothin’.

I mean, I’ve been drawing breath and going to work and eating, but nothing huge. Mostly, I’ve been watching movies and reading comics. You know, what any 38-year old does.

So, thus far into the television season, here are my recommendations:

Pushing Daisies

Mostly, this show is just too cute, but I kind of have to watch it. Chi McBride of Boston Public is probably the highpoint of any one episode and Swoosie Kurtz and Ellen Greene as the vaudevillian aunts are pretty cool.

The Office

Still a power-hitter, though if I were running it, I’d have drawn out the Jim and Pam thing a little more. They’ve become a little boring and some of the storylines seem a touch forced, but this is a really funny show and worth the effort to catch.

30 Rock

Not as funny as last year so far, but the “me want food” stuff is pretty funny. Couple that with Alec Baldwin’s cookie jar fetish and you have comedy gold.

Things I tried, but won’t continue to watch:

The Bionic Woman – Too dumb.

Journeyman – I like Kevin McKidd, but I don’t care.

Heroes – Dumb.

The Big Bang Theory – From the makers of Two and a Half Men. Without the quality.

Back to You – Just… bad

Comics I’ve read recently:

Thor

One through three are really good. Watching Thor beat down Iron Man was pretty bad-ass.

Green Arrow: Year One

Up to # 3. Not great. Not terrible.

Ultimate Spiderman Trade Volume 1

I’ll take my Uncle Ben without the ponytail and my Green Goblin skinny with bombs thank you! The Ultimate brand is the gayest.

Killing Girl

Up to # 2. Art is really cool. Writing is pretty well structured, but really trite.

The Ride

I like.

Buffy the Vampire Slayer Season 8

Love it. Fuck off. You don’t have a guilty pleasure?

The New Avengers Trades Volumes 1 through 4

Started out pretty good, aside from the same scene played out every time Captain America recruited a new member. Went poorly after the Civil War came into play.

Why does DC have to make everything about twelve million different realities and timelines and dimensions? One thing I’ll say about the Marvel Civil War event – I didn’t have to keep Earth prime Iron Man straight from golden age Iron Man and the original Iron Man or the evil bizarro Iron Man.

I recently read The Watchmen for the first time. It’s really fucking good. Makes the Dark Knight Returns look like Mary Worth.

And for the record, if I may step off topic: Fuck Ellen and her stupid dog drama. Moms and Mutts should sue her cunt off.

MOVIES

2007-07-31T00:10:00.000-04:00

First, Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix. More of the same.

Second, Transformers. I have officially decided that Transformers is bad ass. It has the most ridiculously stupid story in the world, which is exactly what I wanted. I wanted nothing at all except robots, turning into trucks and trying to kill each other. My only gripe is that it took forever for the Autobots, specifically Optimus Prime, to show up in the first place. And the 'bots in the garden scene was pretty gay.

Live Free or Die Hard. Miss the foul-mouthed "R" rated John McClane, but still what you'd expect from a Die Hard movie. Lots of "no-thinking" shit blowin' up.

Ratatouille. The moment the critic flashes back to his childhood when biting into the ratatouille at the end is well worth enduring the rest of the movie. Good though a bit long. The short in front is very good too.

I Know Who Killed Me. I know who owes me two hours of my life back.

The Simpsons. Seemed longer than it was, but it's the Simpsons. Very funny, but mostly on the front end.

And finally, the movie I was really hoping to like, but hated - Sunshine. To put it in perspective, Michael Bay making a movie about robot-cars is bound to be stupid, but pretty. Danny Boyle making a thoughtful sci-fi picture heightens the bar of expectation. Light on the "sci" - heavy on the "fi".

Spoiler alert.

So, the premise of the movie is that the sun is dying and the Earth's survival depends on tossing a bomb into the sun to reignite it. This is a pretty bitter pill to swallow, because as we know from TMBG, the sun is a mass of incandescent gas and it's so hot that everything on it is a gas. Basically, you really can't get close enough to the sun for any of this stuff.

However, if future technology were to allow such a venture, you surely wouldn't send the seven stupidest people on Earth to complete the mission. Not only that, but the crew has zero cross training. It's like working in an office where only one guy can operate the copier. Cillian Murphy's character is rescued at all costs because he's the only crew-member who can deliver the payload of the bomb. Even McDonald's trains a guy on register, fries, and grill. Furthermore, Murphy's expertise is apparently typing in a password and hitting a "launch" button.

Also, there's a computer system that has the ability to override commands for safety purposes, but seems to do so selectively with no rhyme or reason. The ship has no redundant systems and suffers fatal design flaws such as storing all the oxygen in one place. I could go on and on.

That being said, there are some genuinely intense and beautifully shot scenes. Just a shame the story decisions were so painfully flawed.

WHY DOES THIS KEEP HAPPENING?

2007-05-29T01:46:00.000-04:00

So I stop at the store on the way to work, just to grab some coffee... maybe some fruit.

A lady near the milk section waves to me. This means one of two things - she knows someone standing just behind me; she thinks I work there.

Guess which one.

I didn't wave back. I made no indication to her whatsoever.

"Do you..? "

"No. I don't."

Now, I'm already choking back anger. At this point, she does the unthinkable. She waves dismissively and audibly grunts with an, "Aaaaaagh!"

Not, "I'm so sorry - that was so presumptuous of me." Not, "Sorry - all the managers at this grocery store are drop dead sexy... just like you." And not, "I not mean to - me retaaaaaaaarded."

I could have fucking choked her to death. The only thing I could do was to shoo her right back with a grunt of my own.

Tick. Tock.

Seriously?

2007-05-24T12:33:00.001-04:00

Charlie, You're Dead, Brothah!

2007-05-24T01:47:00.000-04:00

So, the television season is winding down, and I thought I would give a quick recap to the shit I've been watching.

First, this hunk o' dung:

Let me sum up Heroes for you. Each episode introduces no less than one new character who is then generally killed by the villain, Sylar, who absorbs their powers by eating their brains. Then, a bunch of stuff doesn't happen and then... the end?

The thing that I liked about the show from the first episode, was that it introduced some interesting characters and suggested some potential story-lines. The problem is that it kept that formula - every episode started shit, but nothing ever got resolved.

The height of absurdity was the staccato marketing campaign of "Save the cheerleader, save the world!" which should have been, "Save the cheerleader... or not. I can't imagine how it could matter!" Furthermore, the heroes go on to regularly forget that they have powers or that their powers may be of some use. Particularly the end scene in the finale where Nathan Petrelli, who can fly, must fly his brother (Who can also fly) high above the city in order to keep Peter's burgeoning A-bomb power from destroying New York. Also, the character Hiro who is undeservedly sired by Mr. Sulu, can't seem to understand that while he can teleport himself quicker than Sylar in order to rescue his friend, he can't teleport a big sword into Sylar's face. I can't believe I wasted 23 hours on this thing.

Now, Lost. Spoilers follow, so if you aren't up to date on your episodes - leave now.
I have to admit that when this season started with its six episode mini-season, I was about to quit the damn thing. I mean the only thing that kept me going, was the line, "Well, lookie there... you got yourself a fish-biscuit!" When the show returned from haitus, things finally started to happen outside of the bear-cage. And the two-hour season finale was awesome.

Now, if you're familiar with the show, you know that there are generally two story-lines to follow; one in the form of a flashback to a passenger's pre-crash life, and one in the present where the survivors of the plane crash saunter about the island. In the finale, they turned that formula on its ear and it was brilliant.

I am sad to see Charlie go, but this show keeps you guessing, so who knows. He was able to determine before kicking off that the boat they'd been struggling to contact wasn't what they thought it was...

A quick nod to The Gilmore Girls, which despite a lackluster final two seasons, ended well. Although the soft spot I have for this show doesn't help dispel rumors of homosexuality, I insist that despite its subject matter, it had extremely strong writing for most of its run and a great ensemble cast that was firmly anchored by the always wonderful Lauren Graham and my God, was the performance each week from Kelly Bishop amazing.

And - the reason television was invented - American Idol.

Tonight, we saw (Well, most people saw - I turned to Lost and my DVR cut off the end) the crowning of Jordin Sparks as this year's Idol. The top spot that carries nearly as much stigma as it does prestige.

Oh, and how about this guy!

I used to refer to Elliot Yamin as "Fists for teeth" (See top photo), but now - he's clearly going to need a new name. I'm using "Jazz-hands for teeth" currently, but I'm open to suggestions.

And my favorite quote of the season came from this guy. "Simon said I can't sing, and I look like a monkey!"

And in the weeks ahead, we will witness the end of The Sopranos. It has been remarkably good this season and I can't wait to see how it turns out.

June 15th

2007-05-19T00:03:00.001-04:00

I'm Very excited today because I realized in a few weeks, I will be able to put this on the theater marquee:

Dave's Long Box

2007-05-05T02:26:00.000-04:00

I added a link to Dave's Long Box. I have no affiliation, but I think is blog is pretty top-knotch and I like it, so I thought you nerds would like it too.

Now suck it.

Update

2007-05-05T02:08:00.000-04:00

Okay - I saw another movie. I thought it was really fantastic. It actually came out last year and I just caught it on cable the other night. It's called "Brick" and it's just an amazing film noir story. Check it out, queers.

Also - here's a quick story...

So we have a 12:01 a.m. show of Spiderman 3. At 2:45 in the morning, a douche-bag approaches me and asks, "What's your guys's's' refund policy?"

Not wanting to discuss the refund policy, I said, "Was there a problem?"

"That movie really really really did not live up to my expectations," he said hemply, "Or my friends." He added the hypothetical of his friends which were nowhere to be found, but apparently added an exclamation of authenticity to his argument.

"Well that's too bad, but unfortunately I don't really have any domain over people's expectations." Honestly, what did he expect? It is a story about a guy in spandex fighting a superhero costume from outer-space and a guy made out of gravel while another dude throws bombs at him from a flying snow-board. I mean, I have a near and dear spot in my heart for Spiderman as well, but Christ - let's keep it in perspective people! We're adults!

"But it was terrible!" he persisted.

"You ate the whole sandwich."

"What?" he said like - who said anything about a sandwich?

"If you'd have eaten half a sandwich and decided it wasn't for you, then maybe. But you ate the whole sandwich."

"Sandwich?"

"You ever do any drinking at Alley Cats?"

SOME MOVIES

2007-04-27T01:19:00.000-04:00

Okay, first off - I saw Spider-Man 3 last week. I didn't like it. Before you douche-bags all come at me with the "you never like anything" angle you always push, you may recall that I really liked the first two. I'm not going to go into details or spoilers, but I will say that one of the characters is a super-hero costume from outer-space. Not too many places to go after that. All these critics that are saying idiotic things like it's easily the best of the three, are retarded.

The best two movies I've seen so far this year? Grindhouse - bad-ass, and my favorite so far, Hot Fuzz. But, save your money on Auqua Teen. It's really better in fifteen minute doses.

Now, go check 'em out, fags!

TMNT and such

2007-03-23T13:57:00.000-04:00

Well, I watched TMNT last night and all I can really say is that it had a nice design and decent animation. The action scenes were done pretty well. The problem is that the story is completely well... gay.

Saw Zodiac a few weeks back and it was pretty good. I could watch a Pauley Shore movie if David Fincher directed it - he's just that interesting to watch! The trouble with Zodiac is its running time. It clocks in at just a hair under three hours. For Lord of the Rings, this is good because shit happens, but in Zodiac, the last hour of the movie is spent not solving the case. Nothing new is learned and you lose interest altogether long before the film ends. Long before.

300 was good, but there's really nothing special to set it aside from the graphic novel. As much as I liked it, I sort of missed the days when things were shot practically, rather than all composited green-screen shit. Fuckin' Lucas.

The must see film of the season, Dead Silence. This movie has it all - oh wait, I mean nothing. Nothing whatsoever. No story, no characters, no plot, no point... you get it. It was a pretty fun altogether laughable kind of bad, so if you like going MST3K on movies - this is a good one to use.

Breach. Stale - completely flat, though it did have Caroline Dhavernas from Wonderfalls, who I adore. If you haven't seen this short-lived series, you're missing out - go rent that fucker.

How about that Ghost Rider. I'll say this - it was much better than the director's last two attempts, Daredevil and Elektra, but that's really not a compliment.

Later bitches!

PC is Go!

2007-03-17T00:44:00.000-04:00

Finally! After riddling my PC with viruses and wearing out my hard-drive, I'm back in the world and ready to blog! Later.

What the fuck is with this new blogger google shit?

Movies and Some Drunk Girl

2007-01-28T01:23:00.000-05:00

First - the movies. I managed to see not one, but two films today - Letters from Iwo Jima and Pan's Labyrinth (Not to be confused with the porno, Jan's Labia).

Anyhoo, I never saw the companion film, Flags of Our Fathers (Not the porno, Fags on All Fours, which I did see, but that's another story altogether) but Letters was pretty good. The biggest lesson I learned from it was that I really can't go to movies with people anymore. See, I went to the local "Art" house theatre and was packed in the auditorium with old folks and film nerds. I didn't fit in as well as you might think considering that I really have a little old and a little nerd in me. The people sat too close, the one guy in the building that was taller than me sat right in front of me (Blocking my line of sight to the subtitles), and three of the fuckers hadn't shut off their cell-phones. Honestly, one person forgetting to shut off the cell is understandable, but after that first guy - doesn't a normal person double-check their own? Fucking dicks. Back to the point - it was interesting to see a war movie about an enemy and their perception of the war. Bottom line - apparently no one is a fan of dying.

Next - Pan's Labyrinth. I loved it. Loveditloveditlovedit. Okay there was like one thing that I really didn't love, but mostly I loved it.

Now - the drunk girl.

I have this talent for queer experiences in the grocery store. Some I blog about and some I keep to myself. This is the former.

Since Indiana's liquor laws are ridiculous, one is led to plan their alcoholism well in advance. Let me explain - you can't buy booze on Sunday because of Jesus. Not only that, you can't buy cold beer at the grocery store, but you can buy it at the liquor store. You can buy hard liquor at the grocery store, but only room temperature beer. You can buy a refreshingly chilled Coke Zero at the grocery, but liquor stores can't sell cold soda or milk. You can do all of this until 3:00 in the morning at which point you have to manage to pass four hours until it's okay to purchase again at 7:00 am - except for Sunday because of Jesus.

So, on occasion, I'll be on my way home from work on a Saturday night and decide to get a little bit of beer to sip on during my Sunday off work. The problem is, the closer it gets to the "drying hour", the more likely it is that you'll come across a freak-show like the drunk girl that may or may not have been flirting with me.

I grabbed a couple oversized cans of Foster's and a chocolate milk and headed to the checkout. Behind me, I hear this:

"You'ook f'miliar."

Okay, first? - No, I don't. Second? - I turn around and see a girl about ten years younger than me with a pierced nostril. She had red hair like me, well not like me. Like a Brillo pad, if it were Irish. Her skin was simulaneously void of color and chapped red from the cold air.

"What's that?" I replied.

"I s'd you'ook f'miliar. You ever do any dhrinkin' at Alley Cats?"

I paused because I never even considered "doing" drinking. It sounded pretty odd. Like I would announce, "I'm going to Alley Cats to do some drinking." Instead I answered, "Nope. Not me." (Except this one time in like 1995, but I doubt she'd have been there. Although I believe I had a beer there, I maintain that I didn't "do" drinking.)

"Mousetrap? Locals Only? Moe and Johnny's? Elbow Room?"

"Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope." (Hurry up, cashier)

She then notices the doggy breathmints on the impulse rack. "I wonder 'f thosereallywork."

"The dog mints? I don't know." I really hate talking to strangers.

"You g'ahadog?"

"Um, yeah."

"Aw - wha' kind?" - notice she exclaimed, "awe," like she had seen the dog and concluded that it was cute.

"A French Bulldog." I should have said Pug.

"Wha'sat like?" she asked as if I had said that my dog was a rocket-ship.

"It's like a pug." - see, I could have saved a step.

"Awe. I got a pit-bull."

"O-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-f course you do."

"S'your dog li'l?"

"About twenty-five pounds."

"My pit's eighty-five pounds. My baby loves him. People a'ways ask me - I can't b'lieve you gotta baby around that pit-bull." Note that people always ask her statements. "But he'sloves that baby. He'd die for'im"

"He may have to one day after he eats your little in-bred fucking tater-baby."

"What?"

"Sorry - I meant to think that part."

So, the cashier is finally ringing my stuff through. Guess what? They're pals.

The drunk girl says, "Hey Mary!"

Mary? says, "How are you tonight?"

"I'm good. You got no pretty ear-rings tonight?" (Just to get things in perspective, Mary looks like Gollum from Lord of the Rings had a baby with an Auschwitz survivor; at which point they sold the baby to a Hiroshima survivor who ate the baby and crapped it out.)

"Not tonight." my precious-san. "I was running late for work tonight."

"I know how that is - I quit my job though. A guy there punched me in the face, so I quit. He'd o' been fired if I staye there..." trailed off because I got the fuck out of there.

Sweet Jesus.

WORST 10 MOVIES OF 2K6

2006-12-22T02:51:00.000-05:00

# 10 The Grudge

The Grudge was a pretty creepy movie, but the sequel is basically a ghost that comes up to your face and says, “Boogieboogieboogie!”

# 9 Ultra Violet

This is a movie about a girl that carries a kid around in a suitcase and then fights vampires for no reason. Stylistically, it's a better AEON FLUX than AEON FLUX, but at least AEON FLUX had an empty space where one could put a story if one were so inclined.

# 8 Firewall

Harrison Ford plays the head of security at a Bank. Bad guys kidnap his family, but he uses his dog’s microchip ID tag to locate them and kill Paul Bettany. Honestly, why would the kidnappers bring the dog?

# 7 Eragon

Eragon is the one about the farm-boy? who meets the old man? that lives on the outskirts of the village? who used to be a great warrior?

Then? evil minions come and kill the farm-boy’s uncle? and the farm-boy says that he should have been there while the place burns and the old man tells him that had he been there, he’d have suffered the same fate.

Then? the farm-boy receives a distress message from a Princess? that’s being held captive at the hands of the King’s evil “Heavy” and he races to rescue her. But, he can’t do it alone – he’ll need the assistance of a swash-buckling rogue with dark hair.

Then? he flies his dragon or, “X-wing” against the forces of evil to win the big battle – the dragon suffers some injuries (I’ve lost R-2!) but then the dragon shows up shiny and new at the end.

# 6 Pulse

The Japanese one was much better. The Japanese one sucked balls.

# 5 Wicker Man

Nicolas Cage, the Oscar winning actor of Leaving Las Vegas, brings his acting career to an explosively orgasmic denouement when he cartoonishly races across the screen in a bear suit. I will say though, that when he is finally set on fire inside the giant title object, I really felt like I too, wanted desperately to be set on fire, as it would have been significantly less painful than watching this movie. That's the mark of a great actor. He can totally bring you into his world.

# 4 Date Movie

Allyson Hannigan is about as cute as they come, but this movie sucked like a black-hole fellating Peter North.

# 3 Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector

This one requires no explanation. It’s an understood. A given.

# 2 Little Man

See # 3.

# 1 Basic Instinct 2: Risk Addiction

Post-stroke Sharon Stone sexes? up for this long-avoided sequel to the lame-ass movie that no one cared about beyond a beaver-shot in the first place; the only thing missing? The beaver-shot! Don’t get me wrong, it’s probably for the best, but if your going to bore the ever-loving shit out of me for two hours, throw a spread-open “How’s-your-Sally” my way – it’s the reason I’m there in the first place.

TOP 10 MOVIES OF 2K6

2006-12-22T02:45:00.000-05:00

# 10 Crank

This movie is Die Hard on bus, injected into your neck. Jason Statham is poisoned and the only way to stay alive is to keep the adrenaline flowing. Had he lived and smooched the girl at the end, I’d have left it off the list, but between the dead ending and Dwight Yoakam’s performance, this one kept me going in spite of the hokey effects and two-dimensional characters.

# 9 Slither

This one made the list, if for no other reason, the lines:

“Doctor Pepper is the only kind of Coke I like!”

…and…

“Praise Christ?! Well that’s fuckin’ pushin’ it!”

It may have been left off in a stronger year, but everyone’s allowed a guilty pleasure.

# 8 Lucky Number Slevin

This is an almost entirely overlooked picture that has one of the most striking production designs I’ve seen in a long time. Each frame of film in saturated with rich textures and stylish repeating designs. Josh Hartnett is fantastic as Slevin, the modern-day ne’er-do-well quipping as quick as can be in the best, and possibly only, film noir attempt since The Big Lebowski and Lucy Lui has sexy freakin' freckles.

# 7 Cars

A lot of times, I think I like movies because they beat my insanely low expectations. I thought Cars was funny, visually brilliant, and overall a good time. It’s hardly Pixar’s best, in fact it’s probably their worst, but still fun.

# 6 Mission: Impossible! 3

It’s a crying shame that this film came out under the ridiculous gay-powered science fiction circus-tent that is Tom Cruise’s personal life. The movie is actually a great action ride. Sure, Director J.J. Abrams re-uses a few tricks from his T.V. show, Alias, but it really is a good movie and worth checking out. It’s certainly the best M:I of the three and although, it may have fallen off the list of the top ten in a year with better product, 2006 had enough crap in it to allow Mission to float to the top.

# 5 The Prestige

Although this movie fell short of my expectations, it was still very watch-able. The biggest failing comes from the lack of an emphatic “Ta-Duh!” at the conclusion, as anyone paying attention will have figured everything out long before the trick is actually revealed.

# 4 Little Miss Sunshine

Little Miss is a fairly formulaic tale of a dysfunctional family and their trek cross-country. That being said, the characters are so real and so flawed and so likable, that you just don’t mind. Olive’s performance during the pageant at the end is a great freak-show for all of us who have ever felt that our family and their behavior are too peculiar to take public; it also gives a laugh to the then absent, Alan Arkin.

# 3 Borat

British comedic actor, Sacha Baron Cohen, Is brilliant as the sexist, perverse, anti-Semitic Borat Sagdiyev. Although it’s largely more of the same material seen on the Ali G Show, the laughs are a staccato deluge of diaphragmic clenches as your abdominal area aches and the smile lines in your face become deep, weary cracks - in a good way.

# 2 Casino Royale

Although the film hits a slump that it doesn’t really recover from after the first hour, Casino Royale is a brilliant rejuvenation of the 007 franchise. Daniel Craig is cool and brutish at the same time, and is hands-down the best Bond since Sean Connery.

#1 The Departed

A remake of 2002’s Infernal Affairs (A.K.A. Mou Gaan Dou); this movie was my early call for the year’s best. The original was a great exploration of what it means to be a good guy or a bad guy, and the remake by Martin Scorcese was the perfect Americanization of a modern day classic.

Rama-Don

2006-12-17T01:23:00.001-05:00

So, just as we had shared an anecdote at work regarding previous holiday seasons when Don would talk about how he was offended when people wrote, "X-mas" instead of "Christmas", citing that it took the Christ out of Christmas - the phone rang.

Dick comes into my office and says, "Big, you have a phone call." He says it with this real cat that ate the canary look on his face.

"Is it Steve?" I ask - dreading having to talk to Steve, a windy manager of another chain that ran the theatre a while back. He tends to call and talk for an indefinite amount of time.

"Nope," says Dick. "It's Don."

"Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat?"

"Yeah, dude. He sounds bad too," he says - drawing out the word, "bad."

I go across the hall and take a deep breath. "Thank you for holding, this is Big."

Has anyone seen that episode of Futurama where the Professor builds the smell-o-scope? There's a point when Fry smells a giant ball of garbage from space and he makes the most horrible wretching sound. Such was Don's response.

"Whhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhlplbg! I'm sorry. Blllllllllllllllllllph! I didn't know who else t' caawaall!"

"Well, Don, buddy - you're just going to have to come up with somebody else. I'm not going to have a conversation with you."

"Bwaaaaaaaaaaaaaalfgh! I don' w'nna liff - I'm'n'die!"

"I wish you the best."

"I don't wan' live no more! Phloooooooughm!"

"I'm hanging up now. Best of luck."

"Shmaaaaaaaaaaaaaghm!"

Click.

"Fuck."

I go to our Sheriff's Deputy that work security and tell him what happened.

"Look the idiot isn't going to kill himself, but he may try to and then sue us for not acting on his threat," I tell him.

"I'll call it in - they'll do a welfare check and make sure he's not killing himself," says the Deputy, "He was high a lot, right? Always doped up on something?"

"Yeah - anti-depressants. Shit like that."

He's fine - taken to the loony-bin; not that I give half a crap, but I guess it gave me something to blog about.

Un. Fucking. Believable.

MORE MOVIE-NESS

2006-12-10T13:46:00.000-05:00

So, here's some movies I've seen in the little time I've stuck around at work long enough to watch. (Deja Vu review contains a spoiler.)

TENACIOUS D: THE PICK OF DESTINY

Funny. More or less a weak but fun re-vamp of their HBO series. It would have had a much stronger release three or four years ago. The new music is pretty decent - the opening prologue with Meatloaf as JB's dad is pretty much the high point. It isn't as good as these guys are probably capable of, but it's really fun.

THE QUEEN

Fantastic. I know I sound awfully gay for liking this one so much, but I loves me some Helen Mirren and she is tops in this here picture-show. The subject matter gives it sort of a TV MOW feel, but I still really enjoyed it. It also really humanizes the royal family and suggests a hypocrisy of the filthy commoners. I mean, these people provide a life of liesure to the Royals and then hate them for it (In the fantasy construct of the film). F*cking Brits.

TURISTAS

I've only seen about twenty minutes of this, but I think I get it. Think of Hostel, without the gratuitous nudity and instead of torture, it's organ harvesting.

DEJA VU

It's a time machine. Big woop.

CASINO ROYALE

Overall, very very good and a profound reinvention of the double-oh character. Bond's absurdly suave approach at the most dangerous of situations is brilliantly underscored by an emotional disconnect rather than a disproportionate amount of glib confidence. Ridiculously solid first hour; slows down, but stays pretty interesting for the most part; needed a much bigger finish though. You're really ready for it to be over about a half-hour before it is.

Braveheartalypto

2006-12-08T10:24:00.000-05:00

So, out of sheer curiosity - I watched "Apocalypto" last night.

Not terrible.

Not great.

Long and predictable.

And honestly - "Braveheart" "Gladiator" or "The Patriot" - only with subtitled Mayans.

My advice is - save your ten bucks.

SUPERMAN II: THE RICHARD DONNER CUT... sort of

2006-11-28T23:36:00.000-05:00

When I first heard that they were going to finally release the best facsimile, estimation, guesstimate, slap-together of what Dick Donner had intended to complete for the unrealized Superman sequel that he had shot half of while shooting Superman The Movie, I marked it on my calendar and quietly waited. Okay, every now and then I would proclaim how much time was left before the DVD release, but mostly I was quiet.

Although there are still problems with this movie, I found it to be mostly a vast improvement over the original Superman II from my childhood. The beginning set up is markedly better than the goofy Paris terrorists scenario and the reinsertion of Marlon Brando is well worth the $17.99. I really can't say enough how much better the Brando footage makes the movie - especially the scene where Superman has to go back and beg to get his powers back. Nothing against Susannah York, but come on... Brando!

The ending differs a good deal from the original, but I won't spoil it for you. There's one huge glaring "should have left it out" moment (Possibly in the first place, but even moreso now.) that really slapped a sour taste in the mouth. Also - the resolution was a bit easy, but no more easy than, "What if Superman has a new power - a Super-forget-kiss!"

I can't recommend this enough. It's really haphazard in places, but between all the footage of the two films, it's interesting to imagine what the result would have been if Donner would have been allowed to complete the original Mario Puzo script as imagined.

The Oddest Thing I've Ever Been Party To

2006-11-21T23:42:00.000-05:00

"I need you to do something for me."

My wife stands in the kitchen holding her nose. A bottle of Benadryl rests on the kitchen counter with the cap off. In her left, dominate hand, purple liquid clings to the convex side of a spoon.

"I need you to refill this spoon. I won't have a free hand."

I think about... I don't know what. I mean, what the fuck? I was reminded of THE ABYSS when Ed Harris only had a few minutes to revive Mary Elizabeth Mastriantonio.

Two pieces of Super-Bubble bubble-gum stood at the ready.

I agree to this circus, this delicate dance with fate, not knowing what I was trying to accomplish or what would befall me if I were to fail. Little did I know - the worst was yet to come.

She hoisted the first spoonful of serum into her mouth. Her nostrils firmly gripped, I knew I had only a matter of seconds before she'd suffocate or worse - taste Benadryl.

I promptly drenched the spoon (and counter-top) with the cold remedy. She slurped the second spoonful.

She quickly unraveled the wrapping on the Super Bubble, inwardly cursing herself for not having thought to unwrap it first!

She chomped on the gum. Clinging to it like a thirsty something... clinging to... something. I don't know - it's late.

This is when she said the craziest thing of all...

"I need a pickle."

She flung open the refrigerator and snatched the jar of Vlasic Ovals. The tin lid skittered on the ceramic tile of the counter as her fingers plunged into the dilly stillness of pickle-juice to find purchase.

She ate a pickle oval.

Whew! Nearly tasted Benadryl.

The end.

Giddy-Up

2006-11-21T17:29:00.000-05:00

So I found my thoughts drifting a great deal today toward Michael Richards and his incident at the Laugh Factory. I'm confident that everyone has been informed of the event, so I won't describe it. I only offer this:

Don't fuckin' apologize.

Now, I don't fancy myself a racist or anything of the sort, but I understand the problem. Since the seventies and the explosive and genius arrival of Richard Pryor, the so-called "N"-word has taken a weird sort of life.

Basically, it's this. Black folks, black comics specifically, are allowed to spout off words like "Nigger" with no problem whatsoever. It's sort of a linguistic garnish; a salt and pepper for the black person's orating sandwich. And it's the same for every ethnic group - they own their own ethnic slurs. Jews own "hebe", gays own "fag", I own "ginger."

Now maybe it's a little bit of jealousy talking. A white male can't depricate himself the way another perceived minority can. Not only that, we have to spend all our time mentally reminding ourselves that under no circumstances, are we to utter the dreaded "N" word. Doing so would eternally label us as racist and an intolerant dick-hole. Some of us are. Most of us aren't. All of us should be able to use words.

My assertion is that if you spend a good deal of effort trying desperately to not push the red button - eventually you crack, like Ren in Space Madness. You may even find some unfounded resentment for the races that you need to walk on egg-shells around, solely because you need to walk on the egg-shells around them.

Now put yourself in the shoes of a comedian. A veteran comedian. Someone who has spent decades biting his lip when night after night, as black comedians spouted off about "crackers" and how lame white folks are (Rightfully so) and not being able to once... once... do recipricol material. In fact, steering away from it at all costs.

This country has become so fucking pansey-ass it's disgusting. We're so fucking afraid of saying anything that someone might have to engage some sort of fucking coping skills to work through that everything is becoming an unflavored, colorless, vanilla soup. God-damn it!

So, label Kramer a racist. I think everyone can agree that he probably wouldn't have gotten so far in comedy if that were an accurate encapsulation of who he is. The guy's been around forever. I've been a fan ever since "FRIDAYS" when he used to play with the Army men. There are just too many liberal types for a white supremecist to get a million bucks on twenty-three episodes a year.

Give the guy a break.

He had some frustration bottled up. It popped at an inopportune time. That's the story.

To quote South Park - "Either it's all okay, or none of it is." And I'm hating that this didn't happen during the South Park regular season.

Kramer and Mad Max Sittin' in a tree... (or "I am not a goat")

2006-11-21T01:06:00.000-05:00

So anyway, despite some bad moves on the parts of Mel Gibson and Michael Richards, someone was able to find some good Goddamn sense. I'm speaking, of course about Rupert Murdoch.

"If I Did It..." the OJ Simpson book was scrapped as well as the TV interview scheduled to precede its release. Nice to see that the tide of sensationalism may finally be ebbing.

But, I think the real issue this week has got to be the fact that my wife thinks I'm a goat.

In the upper right corner of the screen, you'll see a photograph of a goat. Granted, I've embellished the picture by tinting its chin-hair red and giving him spectacles. Imagine when, much to my chagrin - that's right. Chagrin. I was chagrinning all up in the mo-fo. Much to my chagrin, my wife admitted after my matter-of-fact mention of my goat picture, that she thought the picture was some sort of an amalgam of myself and Igor, our French Bulldog.

Went something like this:

WIFE: (Laughing hysterically after realizing.)
ME: What?
W: I thought that was you.
M: No. It's a goat.
W: (Laughing)
M: You thought I was a goat.
W: (Tears)
M: It's clearly a goat.

Take a moment for yourself. I'll wait...

...

...

See? Clearly a goat.

She goes on to explain that the goat had glasses. Like this is the difference. The thing that keeps me from full-on goat.

I love my wife.

30 ROCK

2006-11-04T03:18:00.000-05:00

A few weeks ago, I was appaled to learn that Bloggy had been enjoying the show, 30 Rock. I am officially taking the time to recall my early disgust at the show. But Bloggy is still a fag.

While the first two episodes were actually pretty stupid and pointless, I think the past two have been pretty top-knotch. If you find a way to properly use Alec Baldwin, you're in good shape.

The supporting cast is pretty good too and I think they've taken a cue from the Office's ability to give time to other characters besides Steve Carrell and pushed Tracie Morgan back a little to better pace the show out, rather than let a pointless lunatic run rampant and unchecked and ultimately uninteresting.

The show is really shaping up and is worth a watch.

To quote Tracie Morgan's character, "Live every week... like it's shark-week."

IGOR IS SPAM

2006-11-04T03:08:00.000-05:00

So my dog is officially a celebrity.

My wife forwarded me an E-mail of a forwarded E-mail that had several pictures from cuteoverload.com, a cool site bloggy turned us on to. The Missus had submitted a picture of our insanely cute pooch, Igor and it was soon posted on the site.

Now, months later, he's turned up in a spam.

Damn he's a cutie.

BORAT

2006-11-04T03:07:00.000-05:00

It is dangerous. Dangerously irresponsible to make a movie this unbelievably funny.