The Nth of Bigtobest

Best and Worst of 2007 in No Particular Order

2008-01-15T00:18:00.000-05:00

So, I know what you’ve been thinking. Big. Where’s the obligatory best and worst films of 2007 blog? I tell you where, below!

Keep in mind that this isn’t a necessarily fair list, as I haven’t seen everything – I only counted things I have seen, except in the matter of Codename: The Cleaner. This is a VERY safe bet.

10 BEST

300

This is the rare occasion where the film is an improvement on the comic. I always thought that the Frank Miller Graphic Novel was mediocre at best, but the movie really popped. It’s an overly testosteroned goofy cartoon about the battle of Thermopylae with a ridiculous amount of blood, abs, and hooters – but in a good way.

The Lookout

Joseph Gordon Levitt is amazing in this thing. Between this film and last year’s Brick, I think he can finally put Third Rock from the Sun behind him.

Levitt plays a night porter at a bank after a car accident leaves him mentally impaired. A group of good-for-nothing ne’er-do-wells manage to bully him into serving as a lookout while they pull a robbery at the bank where he mops nightly. Levitt’s character must work extra hard to sabotage the heist while at the same time anticipating his own shortcomings in order to stay one step ahead of the scoundrels.

It sort of reminded me of Memento in that the main character had a self-awareness about his own condition and had to work a step ahead of himself in order to succeed.

Grindhouse

A rare cinematic treat. The campy fun of sitting in the theatre while this double feature ran with the fake trailers and all was awesome. A visionary endeavor – so terribly unfortunate that it didn’t hit.

Hot Fuzz

What Shawn of the Dead did for Zombies, this did for the action film. Simon Pegg is brilliant.

Gone, Baby Gone

When I first read that Ben Affleck was directing a film, I cringed - the kind of cringe where someone walks over your grave. Deep, bone-chilling dread. Imagine how pleasantly surprised I was to find that… he’s actually a pretty good director. The film had great pacing, nice character development, and a compelling, thought provoking, tragic story. I only hope it encourages him to do less acting. His brother Casey, on the other hand, was fantastic in the movie.

Juno

About fifteen minutes into Juno, I was thinking how plain it was. The dialog was really over-written, particularly in the case of Juno’s best friend, who was maybe just not a good enough actress to make the lines sound unclumsy. Either way, the peppy "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" zippy lines could have been toned down a tad. They work on Buffy because it’s basically a cartoon.

Anyhoo – the charm and wit and depth of the characters really creeps up on you to where you’re very invested by the end. The main characters aren’t as two-dimensional as they started out to be and I found myself wishing I was a teenage girl, because I was so in love with Michael Cera.

Sidenote: When Michael Cera prepares to go running, he applies runner’s glide to his inner thighs. It’s a product that prevents frictional chafing. I only mention it because it tends to get a pretty good laugh out of the crowd, who undoubtedly thinks it’s deodorant. Spread the word.

No Country For Old Men

Coen Brothers crime picture. Tommy Lee Jones. Javier Bardem. Tough to go wrong.

Best picture of the last few years, in my opinion.

The Lives of Others

East Germans spying on its citizens. This is the story of a police sponsored voyeur who gets too close to his subject. I liked it a lot.

Superbad

First off, everyone went to school with McLovin. This is why the movie works. A few things didn’t work as well, but overall, it was good for a laugh or two.

Ratatouille

Pixar’s like… really good at making animated movies. I think this one ran a little long, it may not have worked so well for younger kids, and I could have lived without the country cabin prologue that really didn’t give you any information that you couldn’t have been given later – BUT, when the food critic chomped on the ratatouille and had the flashback of eating the dish as a child, NAIL ON THE HEAD.

10 Worst

Codename: The Cleaner

Clearly a terrible movie – don’t need to see it to know it.

Primeval

A huge alligator eats people. It’s Lake Placid, without Betty White.

Hannibal Rising

No one told them that nobody cares anymore.

Norbit

Only saw a little bit. Strange and somewhat offensive that it’s so acceptable to make fun of the overweight.

Ghost Rider

Almost that good kind of bad where it’s so bad, it’s good? But not quite – mostly just bad.

28 Weeks Later

I think I may have already blogged about this, but this movie lost me in the first scene.

This group of people are bunkered down at a structure that is quite nearly describable as a castle. It is a British country mansion with four wings that complete a square, surrounding and enclosed courtyard in the center. This troupe of zombie apocalypse survivors however, stay in the super exposed corner of the manor with rags stuck between crudely built walls to hide from the zombies. I mean this is undoubtedly the servant quarters. They’re basically hiding in Helm’s Deep’s out-house. Stupid.

Then a bunch of shit happens and zombies attack while people repeatedly make spectacularly poor decisions.

Bug

This was a play that was adapted to a film. Here’s the problem – it’s really stupid.

The play, I could see working. At a live performance, you have to use more of your imagination. If the actors are screaming about bugs everywhere, you can wonder whether of not they’re crazy. In a film, what you see is what you get.

Couple that with the spectacularly absent acting chops of Ashley Judd and you may as well forget it.

I Know Who Killed Me

Lindsey Lohann is kidnapped.

She’s found days later, missing a limb or two or something.

Her personality is much more whorish than when she vanished.

Come to find out - this was her twin, who was separated at birth. When the first Lindsey Lohann was being dismembered by the killer, her twin, who was a stripper in another town, experienced sympathy amputation similar to stigmata.

No shit – that’s the story.

Shoot ‘Em Up

Terrible.

Love in the Time of Cholera

Like watching paint dry. Actually like watching paint that is already dry... in the time of cholera.

Not That Anyone Cares What I Think

2007-10-26T02:21:00.001-04:00

I know what you’ve been thinking. What’s Big been up to? Well, I’ll tell you: Nothin’.

I mean, I’ve been drawing breath and going to work and eating, but nothing huge. Mostly, I’ve been watching movies and reading comics. You know, what any 38-year old does.

So, thus far into the television season, here are my recommendations:

Pushing Daisies

Mostly, this show is just too cute, but I kind of have to watch it. Chi McBride of Boston Public is probably the highpoint of any one episode and Swoosie Kurtz and Ellen Greene as the vaudevillian aunts are pretty cool.

The Office

Still a power-hitter, though if I were running it, I’d have drawn out the Jim and Pam thing a little more. They’ve become a little boring and some of the storylines seem a touch forced, but this is a really funny show and worth the effort to catch.

30 Rock

Not as funny as last year so far, but the “me want food” stuff is pretty funny. Couple that with Alec Baldwin’s cookie jar fetish and you have comedy gold.

Things I tried, but won’t continue to watch:

The Bionic Woman – Too dumb.

Journeyman – I like Kevin McKidd, but I don’t care.

Heroes – Dumb.

The Big Bang Theory – From the makers of Two and a Half Men. Without the quality.

Back to You – Just… bad

Comics I’ve read recently:

Thor

One through three are really good. Watching Thor beat down Iron Man was pretty bad-ass.

Green Arrow: Year One

Up to # 3. Not great. Not terrible.

Ultimate Spiderman Trade Volume 1

I’ll take my Uncle Ben without the ponytail and my Green Goblin skinny with bombs thank you! The Ultimate brand is the gayest.

Killing Girl

Up to # 2. Art is really cool. Writing is pretty well structured, but really trite.

The Ride

I like.

Buffy the Vampire Slayer Season 8

Love it. Fuck off. You don’t have a guilty pleasure?

The New Avengers Trades Volumes 1 through 4

Started out pretty good, aside from the same scene played out every time Captain America recruited a new member. Went poorly after the Civil War came into play.

Why does DC have to make everything about twelve million different realities and timelines and dimensions? One thing I’ll say about the Marvel Civil War event – I didn’t have to keep Earth prime Iron Man straight from golden age Iron Man and the original Iron Man or the evil bizarro Iron Man.

I recently read The Watchmen for the first time. It’s really fucking good. Makes the Dark Knight Returns look like Mary Worth.

And for the record, if I may step off topic: Fuck Ellen and her stupid dog drama. Moms and Mutts should sue her cunt off.

MOVIES

2007-07-31T00:10:00.000-04:00

First, Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix. More of the same.

Second, Transformers. I have officially decided that Transformers is bad ass. It has the most ridiculously stupid story in the world, which is exactly what I wanted. I wanted nothing at all except robots, turning into trucks and trying to kill each other. My only gripe is that it took forever for the Autobots, specifically Optimus Prime, to show up in the first place. And the 'bots in the garden scene was pretty gay.

Live Free or Die Hard. Miss the foul-mouthed "R" rated John McClane, but still what you'd expect from a Die Hard movie. Lots of "no-thinking" shit blowin' up.

Ratatouille. The moment the critic flashes back to his childhood when biting into the ratatouille at the end is well worth enduring the rest of the movie. Good though a bit long. The short in front is very good too.

I Know Who Killed Me. I know who owes me two hours of my life back.

The Simpsons. Seemed longer than it was, but it's the Simpsons. Very funny, but mostly on the front end.

And finally, the movie I was really hoping to like, but hated - Sunshine. To put it in perspective, Michael Bay making a movie about robot-cars is bound to be stupid, but pretty. Danny Boyle making a thoughtful sci-fi picture heightens the bar of expectation. Light on the "sci" - heavy on the "fi".

Spoiler alert.

So, the premise of the movie is that the sun is dying and the Earth's survival depends on tossing a bomb into the sun to reignite it. This is a pretty bitter pill to swallow, because as we know from TMBG, the sun is a mass of incandescent gas and it's so hot that everything on it is a gas. Basically, you really can't get close enough to the sun for any of this stuff.

However, if future technology were to allow such a venture, you surely wouldn't send the seven stupidest people on Earth to complete the mission. Not only that, but the crew has zero cross training. It's like working in an office where only one guy can operate the copier. Cillian Murphy's character is rescued at all costs because he's the only crew-member who can deliver the payload of the bomb. Even McDonald's trains a guy on register, fries, and grill. Furthermore, Murphy's expertise is apparently typing in a password and hitting a "launch" button.

Also, there's a computer system that has the ability to override commands for safety purposes, but seems to do so selectively with no rhyme or reason. The ship has no redundant systems and suffers fatal design flaws such as storing all the oxygen in one place. I could go on and on.

That being said, there are some genuinely intense and beautifully shot scenes. Just a shame the story decisions were so painfully flawed.

WHY DOES THIS KEEP HAPPENING?

2007-05-29T01:46:00.000-04:00

So I stop at the store on the way to work, just to grab some coffee... maybe some fruit.

A lady near the milk section waves to me. This means one of two things - she knows someone standing just behind me; she thinks I work there.

Guess which one.

I didn't wave back. I made no indication to her whatsoever.

"Do you..? "

"No. I don't."

Now, I'm already choking back anger. At this point, she does the unthinkable. She waves dismissively and audibly grunts with an, "Aaaaaagh!"

Not, "I'm so sorry - that was so presumptuous of me." Not, "Sorry - all the managers at this grocery store are drop dead sexy... just like you." And not, "I not mean to - me retaaaaaaaarded."

I could have fucking choked her to death. The only thing I could do was to shoo her right back with a grunt of my own.

Tick. Tock.

Seriously?

2007-05-24T12:33:00.001-04:00

Charlie, You're Dead, Brothah!

2007-05-24T01:47:00.000-04:00

So, the television season is winding down, and I thought I would give a quick recap to the shit I've been watching.

First, this hunk o' dung:

Let me sum up Heroes for you. Each episode introduces no less than one new character who is then generally killed by the villain, Sylar, who absorbs their powers by eating their brains. Then, a bunch of stuff doesn't happen and then... the end?

The thing that I liked about the show from the first episode, was that it introduced some interesting characters and suggested some potential story-lines. The problem is that it kept that formula - every episode started shit, but nothing ever got resolved.

The height of absurdity was the staccato marketing campaign of "Save the cheerleader, save the world!" which should have been, "Save the cheerleader... or not. I can't imagine how it could matter!" Furthermore, the heroes go on to regularly forget that they have powers or that their powers may be of some use. Particularly the end scene in the finale where Nathan Petrelli, who can fly, must fly his brother (Who can also fly) high above the city in order to keep Peter's burgeoning A-bomb power from destroying New York. Also, the character Hiro who is undeservedly sired by Mr. Sulu, can't seem to understand that while he can teleport himself quicker than Sylar in order to rescue his friend, he can't teleport a big sword into Sylar's face. I can't believe I wasted 23 hours on this thing.

Now, Lost. Spoilers follow, so if you aren't up to date on your episodes - leave now.
I have to admit that when this season started with its six episode mini-season, I was about to quit the damn thing. I mean the only thing that kept me going, was the line, "Well, lookie there... you got yourself a fish-biscuit!" When the show returned from haitus, things finally started to happen outside of the bear-cage. And the two-hour season finale was awesome.

Now, if you're familiar with the show, you know that there are generally two story-lines to follow; one in the form of a flashback to a passenger's pre-crash life, and one in the present where the survivors of the plane crash saunter about the island. In the finale, they turned that formula on its ear and it was brilliant.

I am sad to see Charlie go, but this show keeps you guessing, so who knows. He was able to determine before kicking off that the boat they'd been struggling to contact wasn't what they thought it was...

A quick nod to The Gilmore Girls, which despite a lackluster final two seasons, ended well. Although the soft spot I have for this show doesn't help dispel rumors of homosexuality, I insist that despite its subject matter, it had extremely strong writing for most of its run and a great ensemble cast that was firmly anchored by the always wonderful Lauren Graham and my God, was the performance each week from Kelly Bishop amazing.

And - the reason television was invented - American Idol.

Tonight, we saw (Well, most people saw - I turned to Lost and my DVR cut off the end) the crowning of Jordin Sparks as this year's Idol. The top spot that carries nearly as much stigma as it does prestige.

Oh, and how about this guy!

I used to refer to Elliot Yamin as "Fists for teeth" (See top photo), but now - he's clearly going to need a new name. I'm using "Jazz-hands for teeth" currently, but I'm open to suggestions.

And my favorite quote of the season came from this guy. "Simon said I can't sing, and I look like a monkey!"

And in the weeks ahead, we will witness the end of The Sopranos. It has been remarkably good this season and I can't wait to see how it turns out.

June 15th

2007-05-19T00:03:00.001-04:00

I'm Very excited today because I realized in a few weeks, I will be able to put this on the theater marquee:

Dave's Long Box

2007-05-05T02:26:00.000-04:00

I added a link to Dave's Long Box. I have no affiliation, but I think is blog is pretty top-knotch and I like it, so I thought you nerds would like it too.

Now suck it.

Update

2007-05-05T02:08:00.000-04:00

Okay - I saw another movie. I thought it was really fantastic. It actually came out last year and I just caught it on cable the other night. It's called "Brick" and it's just an amazing film noir story. Check it out, queers.

Also - here's a quick story...

So we have a 12:01 a.m. show of Spiderman 3. At 2:45 in the morning, a douche-bag approaches me and asks, "What's your guys's's' refund policy?"

Not wanting to discuss the refund policy, I said, "Was there a problem?"

"That movie really really really did not live up to my expectations," he said hemply, "Or my friends." He added the hypothetical of his friends which were nowhere to be found, but apparently added an exclamation of authenticity to his argument.

"Well that's too bad, but unfortunately I don't really have any domain over people's expectations." Honestly, what did he expect? It is a story about a guy in spandex fighting a superhero costume from outer-space and a guy made out of gravel while another dude throws bombs at him from a flying snow-board. I mean, I have a near and dear spot in my heart for Spiderman as well, but Christ - let's keep it in perspective people! We're adults!

"But it was terrible!" he persisted.

"You ate the whole sandwich."

"What?" he said like - who said anything about a sandwich?

"If you'd have eaten half a sandwich and decided it wasn't for you, then maybe. But you ate the whole sandwich."

"Sandwich?"

"You ever do any drinking at Alley Cats?"

SOME MOVIES

2007-04-27T01:19:00.000-04:00

Okay, first off - I saw Spider-Man 3 last week. I didn't like it. Before you douche-bags all come at me with the "you never like anything" angle you always push, you may recall that I really liked the first two. I'm not going to go into details or spoilers, but I will say that one of the characters is a super-hero costume from outer-space. Not too many places to go after that. All these critics that are saying idiotic things like it's easily the best of the three, are retarded.

The best two movies I've seen so far this year? Grindhouse - bad-ass, and my favorite so far, Hot Fuzz. But, save your money on Auqua Teen. It's really better in fifteen minute doses.

Now, go check 'em out, fags!

TMNT and such

2007-03-23T13:57:00.000-04:00

Well, I watched TMNT last night and all I can really say is that it had a nice design and decent animation. The action scenes were done pretty well. The problem is that the story is completely well... gay.

Saw Zodiac a few weeks back and it was pretty good. I could watch a Pauley Shore movie if David Fincher directed it - he's just that interesting to watch! The trouble with Zodiac is its running time. It clocks in at just a hair under three hours. For Lord of the Rings, this is good because shit happens, but in Zodiac, the last hour of the movie is spent not solving the case. Nothing new is learned and you lose interest altogether long before the film ends. Long before.

300 was good, but there's really nothing special to set it aside from the graphic novel. As much as I liked it, I sort of missed the days when things were shot practically, rather than all composited green-screen shit. Fuckin' Lucas.

The must see film of the season, Dead Silence. This movie has it all - oh wait, I mean nothing. Nothing whatsoever. No story, no characters, no plot, no point... you get it. It was a pretty fun altogether laughable kind of bad, so if you like going MST3K on movies - this is a good one to use.

Breach. Stale - completely flat, though it did have Caroline Dhavernas from Wonderfalls, who I adore. If you haven't seen this short-lived series, you're missing out - go rent that fucker.

How about that Ghost Rider. I'll say this - it was much better than the director's last two attempts, Daredevil and Elektra, but that's really not a compliment.

Later bitches!

PC is Go!

2007-03-17T00:44:00.000-04:00

Finally! After riddling my PC with viruses and wearing out my hard-drive, I'm back in the world and ready to blog! Later.

What the fuck is with this new blogger google shit?

Movies and Some Drunk Girl

2007-01-28T01:23:00.000-05:00

First - the movies. I managed to see not one, but two films today - Letters from Iwo Jima and Pan's Labyrinth (Not to be confused with the porno, Jan's Labia).

Anyhoo, I never saw the companion film, Flags of Our Fathers (Not the porno, Fags on All Fours, which I did see, but that's another story altogether) but Letters was pretty good. The biggest lesson I learned from it was that I really can't go to movies with people anymore. See, I went to the local "Art" house theatre and was packed in the auditorium with old folks and film nerds. I didn't fit in as well as you might think considering that I really have a little old and a little nerd in me. The people sat too close, the one guy in the building that was taller than me sat right in front of me (Blocking my line of sight to the subtitles), and three of the fuckers hadn't shut off their cell-phones. Honestly, one person forgetting to shut off the cell is understandable, but after that first guy - doesn't a normal person double-check their own? Fucking dicks. Back to the point - it was interesting to see a war movie about an enemy and their perception of the war. Bottom line - apparently no one is a fan of dying.

Next - Pan's Labyrinth. I loved it. Loveditloveditlovedit. Okay there was like one thing that I really didn't love, but mostly I loved it.

Now - the drunk girl.

I have this talent for queer experiences in the grocery store. Some I blog about and some I keep to myself. This is the former.

Since Indiana's liquor laws are ridiculous, one is led to plan their alcoholism well in advance. Let me explain - you can't buy booze on Sunday because of Jesus. Not only that, you can't buy cold beer at the grocery store, but you can buy it at the liquor store. You can buy hard liquor at the grocery store, but only room temperature beer. You can buy a refreshingly chilled Coke Zero at the grocery, but liquor stores can't sell cold soda or milk. You can do all of this until 3:00 in the morning at which point you have to manage to pass four hours until it's okay to purchase again at 7:00 am - except for Sunday because of Jesus.

So, on occasion, I'll be on my way home from work on a Saturday night and decide to get a little bit of beer to sip on during my Sunday off work. The problem is, the closer it gets to the "drying hour", the more likely it is that you'll come across a freak-show like the drunk girl that may or may not have been flirting with me.

I grabbed a couple oversized cans of Foster's and a chocolate milk and headed to the checkout. Behind me, I hear this:

"You'ook f'miliar."

Okay, first? - No, I don't. Second? - I turn around and see a girl about ten years younger than me with a pierced nostril. She had red hair like me, well not like me. Like a Brillo pad, if it were Irish. Her skin was simulaneously void of color and chapped red from the cold air.

"What's that?" I replied.

"I s'd you'ook f'miliar. You ever do any dhrinkin' at Alley Cats?"

I paused because I never even considered "doing" drinking. It sounded pretty odd. Like I would announce, "I'm going to Alley Cats to do some drinking." Instead I answered, "Nope. Not me." (Except this one time in like 1995, but I doubt she'd have been there. Although I believe I had a beer there, I maintain that I didn't "do" drinking.)

"Mousetrap? Locals Only? Moe and Johnny's? Elbow Room?"

"Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope." (Hurry up, cashier)

She then notices the doggy breathmints on the impulse rack. "I wonder 'f thosereallywork."

"The dog mints? I don't know." I really hate talking to strangers.

"You g'ahadog?"

"Um, yeah."

"Aw - wha' kind?" - notice she exclaimed, "awe," like she had seen the dog and concluded that it was cute.

"A French Bulldog." I should have said Pug.

"Wha'sat like?" she asked as if I had said that my dog was a rocket-ship.

"It's like a pug." - see, I could have saved a step.

"Awe. I got a pit-bull."

"O-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-f course you do."

"S'your dog li'l?"

"About twenty-five pounds."

"My pit's eighty-five pounds. My baby loves him. People a'ways ask me - I can't b'lieve you gotta baby around that pit-bull." Note that people always ask her statements. "But he'sloves that baby. He'd die for'im"

"He may have to one day after he eats your little in-bred fucking tater-baby."

"What?"

"Sorry - I meant to think that part."

So, the cashier is finally ringing my stuff through. Guess what? They're pals.

The drunk girl says, "Hey Mary!"

Mary? says, "How are you tonight?"

"I'm good. You got no pretty ear-rings tonight?" (Just to get things in perspective, Mary looks like Gollum from Lord of the Rings had a baby with an Auschwitz survivor; at which point they sold the baby to a Hiroshima survivor who ate the baby and crapped it out.)

"Not tonight." my precious-san. "I was running late for work tonight."

"I know how that is - I quit my job though. A guy there punched me in the face, so I quit. He'd o' been fired if I staye there..." trailed off because I got the fuck out of there.

Sweet Jesus.

WORST 10 MOVIES OF 2K6

2006-12-22T02:51:00.000-05:00

# 10 The Grudge

The Grudge was a pretty creepy movie, but the sequel is basically a ghost that comes up to your face and says, “Boogieboogieboogie!”

# 9 Ultra Violet

This is a movie about a girl that carries a kid around in a suitcase and then fights vampires for no reason. Stylistically, it's a better AEON FLUX than AEON FLUX, but at least AEON FLUX had an empty space where one could put a story if one were so inclined.

# 8 Firewall

Harrison Ford plays the head of security at a Bank. Bad guys kidnap his family, but he uses his dog’s microchip ID tag to locate them and kill Paul Bettany. Honestly, why would the kidnappers bring the dog?

# 7 Eragon

Eragon is the one about the farm-boy? who meets the old man? that lives on the outskirts of the village? who used to be a great warrior?

Then? evil minions come and kill the farm-boy’s uncle? and the farm-boy says that he should have been there while the place burns and the old man tells him that had he been there, he’d have suffered the same fate.

Then? the farm-boy receives a distress message from a Princess? that’s being held captive at the hands of the King’s evil “Heavy” and he races to rescue her. But, he can’t do it alone – he’ll need the assistance of a swash-buckling rogue with dark hair.

Then? he flies his dragon or, “X-wing” against the forces of evil to win the big battle – the dragon suffers some injuries (I’ve lost R-2!) but then the dragon shows up shiny and new at the end.

# 6 Pulse

The Japanese one was much better. The Japanese one sucked balls.

# 5 Wicker Man

Nicolas Cage, the Oscar winning actor of Leaving Las Vegas, brings his acting career to an explosively orgasmic denouement when he cartoonishly races across the screen in a bear suit. I will say though, that when he is finally set on fire inside the giant title object, I really felt like I too, wanted desperately to be set on fire, as it would have been significantly less painful than watching this movie. That's the mark of a great actor. He can totally bring you into his world.

# 4 Date Movie

Allyson Hannigan is about as cute as they come, but this movie sucked like a black-hole fellating Peter North.

# 3 Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector

This one requires no explanation. It’s an understood. A given.

# 2 Little Man

See # 3.

# 1 Basic Instinct 2: Risk Addiction

Post-stroke Sharon Stone sexes? up for this long-avoided sequel to the lame-ass movie that no one cared about beyond a beaver-shot in the first place; the only thing missing? The beaver-shot! Don’t get me wrong, it’s probably for the best, but if your going to bore the ever-loving shit out of me for two hours, throw a spread-open “How’s-your-Sally” my way – it’s the reason I’m there in the first place.

TOP 10 MOVIES OF 2K6

2006-12-22T02:45:00.000-05:00

# 10 Crank

This movie is Die Hard on bus, injected into your neck. Jason Statham is poisoned and the only way to stay alive is to keep the adrenaline flowing. Had he lived and smooched the girl at the end, I’d have left it off the list, but between the dead ending and Dwight Yoakam’s performance, this one kept me going in spite of the hokey effects and two-dimensional characters.

# 9 Slither

This one made the list, if for no other reason, the lines:

“Doctor Pepper is the only kind of Coke I like!”

…and…

“Praise Christ?! Well that’s fuckin’ pushin’ it!”

It may have been left off in a stronger year, but everyone’s allowed a guilty pleasure.

# 8 Lucky Number Slevin

This is an almost entirely overlooked picture that has one of the most striking production designs I’ve seen in a long time. Each frame of film in saturated with rich textures and stylish repeating designs. Josh Hartnett is fantastic as Slevin, the modern-day ne’er-do-well quipping as quick as can be in the best, and possibly only, film noir attempt since The Big Lebowski and Lucy Lui has sexy freakin' freckles.

# 7 Cars

A lot of times, I think I like movies because they beat my insanely low expectations. I thought Cars was funny, visually brilliant, and overall a good time. It’s hardly Pixar’s best, in fact it’s probably their worst, but still fun.

# 6 Mission: Impossible! 3

It’s a crying shame that this film came out under the ridiculous gay-powered science fiction circus-tent that is Tom Cruise’s personal life. The movie is actually a great action ride. Sure, Director J.J. Abrams re-uses a few tricks from his T.V. show, Alias, but it really is a good movie and worth checking out. It’s certainly the best M:I of the three and although, it may have fallen off the list of the top ten in a year with better product, 2006 had enough crap in it to allow Mission to float to the top.

# 5 The Prestige

Although this movie fell short of my expectations, it was still very watch-able. The biggest failing comes from the lack of an emphatic “Ta-Duh!” at the conclusion, as anyone paying attention will have figured everything out long before the trick is actually revealed.

# 4 Little Miss Sunshine

Little Miss is a fairly formulaic tale of a dysfunctional family and their trek cross-country. That being said, the characters are so real and so flawed and so likable, that you just don’t mind. Olive’s performance during the pageant at the end is a great freak-show for all of us who have ever felt that our family and their behavior are too peculiar to take public; it also gives a laugh to the then absent, Alan Arkin.

# 3 Borat

British comedic actor, Sacha Baron Cohen, Is brilliant as the sexist, perverse, anti-Semitic Borat Sagdiyev. Although it’s largely more of the same material seen on the Ali G Show, the laughs are a staccato deluge of diaphragmic clenches as your abdominal area aches and the smile lines in your face become deep, weary cracks - in a good way.

# 2 Casino Royale

Although the film hits a slump that it doesn’t really recover from after the first hour, Casino Royale is a brilliant rejuvenation of the 007 franchise. Daniel Craig is cool and brutish at the same time, and is hands-down the best Bond since Sean Connery.

#1 The Departed

A remake of 2002’s Infernal Affairs (A.K.A. Mou Gaan Dou); this movie was my early call for the year’s best. The original was a great exploration of what it means to be a good guy or a bad guy, and the remake by Martin Scorcese was the perfect Americanization of a modern day classic.

Rama-Don

2006-12-17T01:23:00.001-05:00

So, just as we had shared an anecdote at work regarding previous holiday seasons when Don would talk about how he was offended when people wrote, "X-mas" instead of "Christmas", citing that it took the Christ out of Christmas - the phone rang.

Dick comes into my office and says, "Big, you have a phone call." He says it with this real cat that ate the canary look on his face.

"Is it Steve?" I ask - dreading having to talk to Steve, a windy manager of another chain that ran the theatre a while back. He tends to call and talk for an indefinite amount of time.

"Nope," says Dick. "It's Don."

"Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat?"

"Yeah, dude. He sounds bad too," he says - drawing out the word, "bad."

I go across the hall and take a deep breath. "Thank you for holding, this is Big."

Has anyone seen that episode of Futurama where the Professor builds the smell-o-scope? There's a point when Fry smells a giant ball of garbage from space and he makes the most horrible wretching sound. Such was Don's response.

"Whhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhlplbg! I'm sorry. Blllllllllllllllllllph! I didn't know who else t' caawaall!"

"Well, Don, buddy - you're just going to have to come up with somebody else. I'm not going to have a conversation with you."

"Bwaaaaaaaaaaaaaalfgh! I don' w'nna liff - I'm'n'die!"

"I wish you the best."

"I don't wan' live no more! Phloooooooughm!"

"I'm hanging up now. Best of luck."

"Shmaaaaaaaaaaaaaghm!"

Click.

"Fuck."

I go to our Sheriff's Deputy that work security and tell him what happened.

"Look the idiot isn't going to kill himself, but he may try to and then sue us for not acting on his threat," I tell him.

"I'll call it in - they'll do a welfare check and make sure he's not killing himself," says the Deputy, "He was high a lot, right? Always doped up on something?"

"Yeah - anti-depressants. Shit like that."

He's fine - taken to the loony-bin; not that I give half a crap, but I guess it gave me something to blog about.

Un. Fucking. Believable.

MORE MOVIE-NESS

2006-12-10T13:46:00.000-05:00

So, here's some movies I've seen in the little time I've stuck around at work long enough to watch. (Deja Vu review contains a spoiler.)

TENACIOUS D: THE PICK OF DESTINY

Funny. More or less a weak but fun re-vamp of their HBO series. It would have had a much stronger release three or four years ago. The new music is pretty decent - the opening prologue with Meatloaf as JB's dad is pretty much the high point. It isn't as good as these guys are probably capable of, but it's really fun.

THE QUEEN

Fantastic. I know I sound awfully gay for liking this one so much, but I loves me some Helen Mirren and she is tops in this here picture-show. The subject matter gives it sort of a TV MOW feel, but I still really enjoyed it. It also really humanizes the royal family and suggests a hypocrisy of the filthy commoners. I mean, these people provide a life of liesure to the Royals and then hate them for it (In the fantasy construct of the film). F*cking Brits.

TURISTAS

I've only seen about twenty minutes of this, but I think I get it. Think of Hostel, without the gratuitous nudity and instead of torture, it's organ harvesting.

DEJA VU

It's a time machine. Big woop.

CASINO ROYALE

Overall, very very good and a profound reinvention of the double-oh character. Bond's absurdly suave approach at the most dangerous of situations is brilliantly underscored by an emotional disconnect rather than a disproportionate amount of glib confidence. Ridiculously solid first hour; slows down, but stays pretty interesting for the most part; needed a much bigger finish though. You're really ready for it to be over about a half-hour before it is.

Braveheartalypto

2006-12-08T10:24:00.000-05:00

So, out of sheer curiosity - I watched "Apocalypto" last night.

Not terrible.

Not great.

Long and predictable.

And honestly - "Braveheart" "Gladiator" or "The Patriot" - only with subtitled Mayans.

My advice is - save your ten bucks.

SUPERMAN II: THE RICHARD DONNER CUT... sort of

2006-11-28T23:36:00.000-05:00

When I first heard that they were going to finally release the best facsimile, estimation, guesstimate, slap-together of what Dick Donner had intended to complete for the unrealized Superman sequel that he had shot half of while shooting Superman The Movie, I marked it on my calendar and quietly waited. Okay, every now and then I would proclaim how much time was left before the DVD release, but mostly I was quiet.

Although there are still problems with this movie, I found it to be mostly a vast improvement over the original Superman II from my childhood. The beginning set up is markedly better than the goofy Paris terrorists scenario and the reinsertion of Marlon Brando is well worth the $17.99. I really can't say enough how much better the Brando footage makes the movie - especially the scene where Superman has to go back and beg to get his powers back. Nothing against Susannah York, but come on... Brando!

The ending differs a good deal from the original, but I won't spoil it for you. There's one huge glaring "should have left it out" moment (Possibly in the first place, but even moreso now.) that really slapped a sour taste in the mouth. Also - the resolution was a bit easy, but no more easy than, "What if Superman has a new power - a Super-forget-kiss!"

I can't recommend this enough. It's really haphazard in places, but between all the footage of the two films, it's interesting to imagine what the result would have been if Donner would have been allowed to complete the original Mario Puzo script as imagined.

The Oddest Thing I've Ever Been Party To

2006-11-21T23:42:00.000-05:00

"I need you to do something for me."

My wife stands in the kitchen holding her nose. A bottle of Benadryl rests on the kitchen counter with the cap off. In her left, dominate hand, purple liquid clings to the convex side of a spoon.

"I need you to refill this spoon. I won't have a free hand."

I think about... I don't know what. I mean, what the fuck? I was reminded of THE ABYSS when Ed Harris only had a few minutes to revive Mary Elizabeth Mastriantonio.

Two pieces of Super-Bubble bubble-gum stood at the ready.

I agree to this circus, this delicate dance with fate, not knowing what I was trying to accomplish or what would befall me if I were to fail. Little did I know - the worst was yet to come.

She hoisted the first spoonful of serum into her mouth. Her nostrils firmly gripped, I knew I had only a matter of seconds before she'd suffocate or worse - taste Benadryl.

I promptly drenched the spoon (and counter-top) with the cold remedy. She slurped the second spoonful.

She quickly unraveled the wrapping on the Super Bubble, inwardly cursing herself for not having thought to unwrap it first!

She chomped on the gum. Clinging to it like a thirsty something... clinging to... something. I don't know - it's late.

This is when she said the craziest thing of all...

"I need a pickle."

She flung open the refrigerator and snatched the jar of Vlasic Ovals. The tin lid skittered on the ceramic tile of the counter as her fingers plunged into the dilly stillness of pickle-juice to find purchase.

She ate a pickle oval.

Whew! Nearly tasted Benadryl.

The end.

Giddy-Up

2006-11-21T17:29:00.000-05:00

So I found my thoughts drifting a great deal today toward Michael Richards and his incident at the Laugh Factory. I'm confident that everyone has been informed of the event, so I won't describe it. I only offer this:

Don't fuckin' apologize.

Now, I don't fancy myself a racist or anything of the sort, but I understand the problem. Since the seventies and the explosive and genius arrival of Richard Pryor, the so-called "N"-word has taken a weird sort of life.

Basically, it's this. Black folks, black comics specifically, are allowed to spout off words like "Nigger" with no problem whatsoever. It's sort of a linguistic garnish; a salt and pepper for the black person's orating sandwich. And it's the same for every ethnic group - they own their own ethnic slurs. Jews own "hebe", gays own "fag", I own "ginger."

Now maybe it's a little bit of jealousy talking. A white male can't depricate himself the way another perceived minority can. Not only that, we have to spend all our time mentally reminding ourselves that under no circumstances, are we to utter the dreaded "N" word. Doing so would eternally label us as racist and an intolerant dick-hole. Some of us are. Most of us aren't. All of us should be able to use words.

My assertion is that if you spend a good deal of effort trying desperately to not push the red button - eventually you crack, like Ren in Space Madness. You may even find some unfounded resentment for the races that you need to walk on egg-shells around, solely because you need to walk on the egg-shells around them.

Now put yourself in the shoes of a comedian. A veteran comedian. Someone who has spent decades biting his lip when night after night, as black comedians spouted off about "crackers" and how lame white folks are (Rightfully so) and not being able to once... once... do recipricol material. In fact, steering away from it at all costs.

This country has become so fucking pansey-ass it's disgusting. We're so fucking afraid of saying anything that someone might have to engage some sort of fucking coping skills to work through that everything is becoming an unflavored, colorless, vanilla soup. God-damn it!

So, label Kramer a racist. I think everyone can agree that he probably wouldn't have gotten so far in comedy if that were an accurate encapsulation of who he is. The guy's been around forever. I've been a fan ever since "FRIDAYS" when he used to play with the Army men. There are just too many liberal types for a white supremecist to get a million bucks on twenty-three episodes a year.

Give the guy a break.

He had some frustration bottled up. It popped at an inopportune time. That's the story.

To quote South Park - "Either it's all okay, or none of it is." And I'm hating that this didn't happen during the South Park regular season.

Kramer and Mad Max Sittin' in a tree... (or "I am not a goat")

2006-11-21T01:06:00.000-05:00

So anyway, despite some bad moves on the parts of Mel Gibson and Michael Richards, someone was able to find some good Goddamn sense. I'm speaking, of course about Rupert Murdoch.

"If I Did It..." the OJ Simpson book was scrapped as well as the TV interview scheduled to precede its release. Nice to see that the tide of sensationalism may finally be ebbing.

But, I think the real issue this week has got to be the fact that my wife thinks I'm a goat.

In the upper right corner of the screen, you'll see a photograph of a goat. Granted, I've embellished the picture by tinting its chin-hair red and giving him spectacles. Imagine when, much to my chagrin - that's right. Chagrin. I was chagrinning all up in the mo-fo. Much to my chagrin, my wife admitted after my matter-of-fact mention of my goat picture, that she thought the picture was some sort of an amalgam of myself and Igor, our French Bulldog.

Went something like this:

WIFE: (Laughing hysterically after realizing.)
ME: What?
W: I thought that was you.
M: No. It's a goat.
W: (Laughing)
M: You thought I was a goat.
W: (Tears)
M: It's clearly a goat.

Take a moment for yourself. I'll wait...

...

...

See? Clearly a goat.

She goes on to explain that the goat had glasses. Like this is the difference. The thing that keeps me from full-on goat.

I love my wife.

30 ROCK

2006-11-04T03:18:00.000-05:00

A few weeks ago, I was appaled to learn that Bloggy had been enjoying the show, 30 Rock. I am officially taking the time to recall my early disgust at the show. But Bloggy is still a fag.

While the first two episodes were actually pretty stupid and pointless, I think the past two have been pretty top-knotch. If you find a way to properly use Alec Baldwin, you're in good shape.

The supporting cast is pretty good too and I think they've taken a cue from the Office's ability to give time to other characters besides Steve Carrell and pushed Tracie Morgan back a little to better pace the show out, rather than let a pointless lunatic run rampant and unchecked and ultimately uninteresting.

The show is really shaping up and is worth a watch.

To quote Tracie Morgan's character, "Live every week... like it's shark-week."

IGOR IS SPAM

2006-11-04T03:08:00.000-05:00

So my dog is officially a celebrity.

My wife forwarded me an E-mail of a forwarded E-mail that had several pictures from cuteoverload.com, a cool site bloggy turned us on to. The Missus had submitted a picture of our insanely cute pooch, Igor and it was soon posted on the site.

Now, months later, he's turned up in a spam.

Damn he's a cutie.

BORAT

2006-11-04T03:07:00.000-05:00

It is dangerous. Dangerously irresponsible to make a movie this unbelievably funny.

How Shows Happen

2006-09-18T12:04:00.000-04:00

Studio executive wakes up. This is the conversation he has with his wife.

WIFE: I had the weirdest dream last night.

STUDIO EXEC: Oh, yeah?

W: Yeah. I was on a game show.

SE: Which one?

W: I don't know. Howie Mandel was the host.

SE: The guy with the rubber-glove trick?

W: Yeah, but it wasn't Howie Mandel. It was like... Howie Mandel if he was a pirate. And there were a bunch of spokesmodels with silver suitcases.

SE: That is a weird dream.

W: Yeah - and this guy kept calling Howie on his cell phone and asking him to offer me money.

SE: Yeah?

W: Yeah. He offered me money to stop opening suitcases.

SE: To stop opening suitcases?

W: Yeah. He was desperate for me to stop opening suitcases.

SE: You have some weird dreams, Karen.

W: Wait, it gets weirder. My mother was there, and Dave from college.

SE: Dave the guy you...

W: Please Phillip, not now.

SE: Fine.

W: Anyway, they kept yelling at me. Telling me to take the money or to open more suitcases.

SE: What happened if you stopped?

W: If I stopped opening suitcases, I could open up my own suitcase.

SE: I'm miserable. I want a divorce.

Bobby III

2006-09-18T11:59:00.000-04:00

You wouldn't think this movie would cause so much trouble.

Phone rings.

"Thank you for calling... can I help you?"

"What time does Bobby play?" asks a feeble old-lady voice.

"Bobby?"

"Yes. The paper shows that you're playing Bobby and I just want to be sure you are."

"Um. No, I don't think the paper... "

"I'm looking at the paper right now, and it says, Bobby pee-gee thirteen."

I grab the paper. Ah.

"Hello, ma'am?"

"Yes?"

"Do you see the line directly above where it says Bobby?"

"Talladega Nights, the Ballad of Ricky," she says.

"Right. The Ballad of Ricky Bobby. It's a continuation from the line above. Bobby doesn't open till November, I think."

"Ricky Bobby. Oh, I saw that one."

Bobby II

2006-09-18T11:56:00.000-04:00

Someone says to me, "Who's playing Bobby?"

I say, "I think Bobby."

"Right."

"Right."

"Bobby."

"Bobby."

"Who plays him?"

"Bobby."

"In the movie."

"Bobby."

Who's on first.

Tards Leading the Tards

2006-09-08T03:40:00.000-04:00

Every Thursday at a movie theatre is like Christmas Eve. The only difference is that there's no tree, presents, religion, good will - okay, it's really nothing like Christmas Eve - let me try another.

It's like the night before Christmas - wait, that's the same thing. Damn!

Oh, I've got it...

Thursday at a movie theatre is like slavery.

Crap! It's not like slavery!

What's it like?

Thursday at a movie theatre is unlike anything. Hah! Nailed it!

Alright - here's the deal. You have things that "open" and generally these things happen on Fridays. Occasionally a Wednesday, or a Tuesday if "6 - 6 - 6" falls that way, but mostly, Friday.

Now, there are several things involved with making this happen and all of them are simple. Mostly, they entail taking out a poster-snipe that says, "Coming Soon" and replacing it with one that says, "Now Playing."

So, as you would imagine, several posters need to be removed from display because "Snakes on a Plane" won't be playing forever and you have to make room for the next idiotic movie poster, probably featuring Nicolas Cage, or as I like to call him, "September Michael Caine."

I removed the new poster, or one-sheet, from the shipping tube and unfurled it for display. The poster is almost entirely white. It features a campaign sign with a picture of RFK beneath the word "KENNEDY." The title of the film is BOBBY.

"What's that?" asks a teenage employee.

"Bobby," I say.

"What's it about?" he asks.

"Um... seriously?"

"Yeah."

"Bobby." I say it like the first "B" is two syllables. Easing into it like a chilly swimming pool.

I shake my head and figure that they just - I don't know - had a brain fart or something.

"What's that?" asks another employee. Second verse. Same as the first.

"Bobby."

"What's it about?"

"British cops."

"Hmm. Cool."

Then the legitimate retards get in on the action. The ones with papers.

"What's that?" one 'tard asks another.

"I don't know," is her answer.

"Looks good," is her assumption by the asthetics of the poster.

Michael Bay rules.

BIG RECOMMENDS

2006-08-06T13:50:00.000-04:00

Johnny Fucking Cash - American V

Click Photo for link

To be honest, this isn't as solid as the earlier American albums, but it's Cash. The first couple of tracks are the best and then it sort of meanders, but track two is excellent. And something about Cash when he sings gospel is so authoritive that you really are awestruck by the fact that so much of your time on Earth coincided with this legendary performer's.

The Raconteurs - Broken Boy Soldiers

Click Photo for link

This album has been out a while, but certainly worth mentioning. It's a band of Jack White of the White Stripes and solo artist Brendan Benson. I strongly urge you to get this sombitch into your CD collection.

The Yeah Yeah Yeahs - Show Your Bones

Good stuff. Especially Gold Lion and Phenomena.

Rainer Maria - Catastrophe Keeps Us Together

Click Photo for link

I got this CD after catching the title track. It took me a while to warm up to it, but I'm quickly wearing it out. Check out their site and watch the video.

Now, stuff I'm looking forward to...

The Departed

Click Photo for link

This is Martin Scorcese's next picture. It's a remake of a fantastic Chinese film called Infernal Affairs.

Click Photo for link

I can't wait to see the remake. It stars Martin Sheen, Jack Nicholson, Alec Baldwin, Leonardo DiCaprio, Matt Damon, and Mark Wahlberg.

Click Photo for trailer

And speaking of Matt Damon, it looks like he may be the new Captain Kirk. This is the gay Paramount teaser that's out. It's got kind of a cool retro feel, but I'm assuming that everything that follows will suck hard.

Click Photo for link

That's all for now.

Movie Blahs

2006-07-24T17:32:00.000-04:00

LITTLE MAN

Ouch. I had to watch this shit-biscuit for technical reasons. I can't tell you anything you haven't already figured out.

LADY IN THE WATER

The twist is there's no twist. Only slightly better than THE VILLAGE.

STRANGERS WITH CANDY

Check out my sketch, yo! Then go rent the TV show - season 1. Skip the movie.

Monster House

2006-07-15T15:44:00.000-04:00

So, I screened this movie last night and... (drumroll)... I liked it. It hardly reinvented the wheel or anything and the characters were often stiff and lifeless, but overall I think it's a pretty fun movie, sort of in the spirit of the Goonies. A lot of the virtual camera work specifically was extremely well done - could even be considered too scary for the wee ones. Four out of five.

Also - there's a new(ish) show on Comedy Central called Dog Bites Man. It's a pseudo-reality show sort of in the same tone as The Office - a lot of improvisation. The best parts are when the fake news team pulls the "Ali G" type stuff and uses people that don't realize it's a gag. I especially enjoy the performances of the impossible to pronounce if you aren't Mediteranean, Zach Galifianakis. If you ever catch his Comedy Central special - it's a scream.

This is a Fucking Cylon

2006-07-13T00:09:00.000-04:00

So, a couple of years ago, I watched the mini-series of the Battlestar Galactica remake that eventually became the wildly popular series on the Sci-Fi network. Today, I had a discussion with BDC and it made me realize that not only did I not care for the show, but the show isn’t even Battlestar Galactica.

Now, the show is produced by Ronald D Moore, who despite writing some insanely good STNG episodes – not the least of which is Redemption parts I and II – contributed to some real shit-biscuits in the way of Star Trek movies, helping the Antidenberry, Rick Berman, clamp his boot over the franchise’s throat as it gasped for life. Still –Ronald Moore’s involvement doesn’t bother me a bit. I’m overpaid each week to do a job that I’m desperately unqualified to do, just like him. I can’t fault him for taking the money in spite of an inability to deliver.

And it isn’t even that Boomer and Starbuck are now women. I think that’s actually pretty cool. I would have made Starbuck gay, since womanizing should really be a strong character trait, but… whatever.

Here’s what bugs the shit out of me with this show – there’s no fucking Cylons. I know, I know – the blond and the other evil doppelgangers, sure. Listen to me you fucking fan-boy – There are no fucking Cylons on this show. Cylons are chrome, constantly look to the left then right with their cycloptic-laser eye, wear black aprons, and repeatedly say, “By. Your. Command.”

This brings me to my theory – picture Ron Moore, at his house. He’s just gotten the call that he’s been hired to produce the new Battlestar. He pulls out his Mac – you know the pretentious prick has a Power Book – and he does a search and replace on the villain’s names in his epic sci-fi script. He types in the new name: Cylon. Thus the blond Cylon is born. From there, it’s a simple polish – he changes the hero’s name to Apollo, his dad’s name to Adama, and the spaceship is now the Galactica.

I really think that there’s a real issue with the sci-fi audiences of today. There are problems that have come I think from the meshing of true science fiction with the realm of fantasy. The really great science fiction writers of this century, your Phillip K. Dicks, Harlan Ellisons, Ray Bradburys – they’ve all been succeeded by guys like Moore and Brannon Braga, JK Rowling and J Michael Stracynski; great in the sense of prolixity, but not too much in the way of substance. Granted, we’re in a world where you need to produce something right fucking now and once that’s finished, you need to do the next thing and guys that can turn out a pile of not bad really have it way over a guy that will write one great thing in a lifetime. Sadly, they can’t seem to coexist

Please don’t try and convince to watch this mediocrity.

Unless they add fucking Cylons.

More Grocery Tales

2006-07-10T14:57:00.000-04:00

I couldn’t resist the donut. I headed to the checkout with my lunch. I had a salad, a donut, and a Coke Zero (Which, by the way is the best diet drink ever – it’s black magic good. Makes me nervous).

So, I get in line behind a person who has about ten or so items and the cashier, seeing that I had but a couple things, directed me to the service desk. “They can take you at the office, sir,” she said.

I get to the Customer Service desk and set my few items down.

“What can we do for you?” said the manager?

I was surprised, assuming that he would have already figured out the skinny and said, “She said that you could take me up here?”

“Who said that?” he asked… politely, but with disbelief.

“I don’t know. The lady at the checkout,” I said, turning to see the cashier, still dragging the product of my predecessor over her laser-scanner. She looked up, continuing to scan. Her expression was one of malaise.

“Kay did?” continued the manager?

“If that’s Kay,” I said, now concerned for Kay’s well being. “Is it a problem?” I asked.

“No. No, we can certainly take care of you.”

“Are you sure? ‘Cause it sounds like Kay’s gonna get it as soon as I’m gone.”

“Oh, no. I was just curious.”

Just ring up the fuckin’ donut.

Super Clarifications

2006-07-10T14:37:00.000-04:00

Since apparently there’s a WWW out there full of geeks that have apparently never seen Superman II, I feel I need to clarify the “date-rapist” remark in my SUPERMAN RETURNS review.

In Superman II, Superman gives up his super powers so that he can spend his life with Lois Lane. Once he does this, he has sex with Lois.

With me so far?

General Zod then comes to Earth and starts to fuck shit up. After getting his now mortal ass kicked in a redneck diner, Superman sees the news and upon hearing of General Zod’s arrival, he high-tails it back to the fortress of solitude to beg for his powers back from Susannah York, his cheaper-to-cast mother.

Once he does this, he can’t be with Lois.

At the end of the movie, Lois tells him how miserable she is, not being able to be with him or to tell anyone his secret. So, Superman uses one of about fifty brand-new unexplained super-powers that popped up in Superman II and gives her a super-forget-everything smooch.

Now – cut to five years later in RETURNS when Lois realizes that her kid is Superman’s, but has no recollection of ever sleeping with him. Now, Superman could clear this up with a simple explanation, but instead lets Lois go on imagining that Superman slipped her a super-rufie. This wouldn’t have bothered me so much if the WB/Singer camp hadn’t made such a strong assertion that their movie was a sequel to Superman II. But, the problem remains that by Lois’ point of view, she was raped by Superman. Now suck it.

Dead Man's Chest, or Two Hours and Forty Minutes of Action-Packed Nothing-Happens!

2006-07-10T14:18:00.000-04:00

So, some time back I remember having a conversation with my friend, Joe and finding it absurd that he didn’t like Spiderman 2. I remember telling him that he hated everything and his response was that he was “discerning.”

I’ve recently taken some similar criticisms and find that my opinion on movies is almost entirely disregarded by friends and coworkers because the expectation is that I’m going to hate a movie and by that logic, no movie can be good when judged with the predisposition of hating it.

Contrary to this consensus, I do not hate every movie I see. Most movies, I find that I’m very indifferent towards. I only hate a select few, Star Wars Episode III, The Constant Gardener, and Basic Instinct 2 to name most that I have hated recently.

Dead Man’s Chest has probably the single best display of make-up and CGI and how their marriage can help create a world where you can’t tell what’s practical from that which is made by a seventeen year-old Asian kid on a Mac. To credit Joe again, I can’t wait until special effects stop saving movies and people actually have to write stories again.

I would offer a spoiler warning here, but I honestly don’t know what the fuck the movie was about. Everyone was looking for Davy Jones chest, but you really have to pay attention and figure out everyone’s motivation on your own, because the movie certainly doesn’t divulge the information. Add that to the problem of breaking the rules of the first movie and you really just have a big messy plot-soup. People just seem to go places for no reason and team up with people for no reason and I found the movie to just be background noise - something to watch only in clips - for no reason.

Therefore, I bestow upon Pirates a single star out of five, but only for the effects. If animation and the like doesn’t do it for you, knock half of that star away and stay home and watch the first one again… it’s actually pretty good. See? I don’t hate everything; I’m discerning.

Don't Read This If You Haven't Seen Superman Returns

2006-06-28T17:50:00.000-04:00

In fact, it's generally a good idea to steer clear altogether.

Here are some lists in lieu of the review:

Things the movie should have had more of…

Superman
Clark Kent… way more
Lex Luthor and Superman conflict
Lois Lane and her interaction with Clark especially
Kal Penn
Soul

Things the movie should have had less of…

Kate Bosworth… hey, she’s a cutie, but not for this role
Water
Parker Posey
Hospitals

What the movie did right…

The airplane rescue.
The Daily Planet Globe on Superman’s shoulders – iconic, and beautiful.
Brandon Routh.
Bullets.
Effects.
Cameos – Noelle Neil and Jack Larson.
John Williams.
Title sequence.

What the movie did wrong…

Editing.
Misunderstood the Lois/Clark/Superman dynamic.

What they did horribly wrong…

Superman isn’t a stalker.
Superman isn’t a date-rapist.
Superman isn’t a deadbeat dad.
Superman is a boy scout.

Ubermensch Returns

2006-06-27T01:17:00.000-04:00

So... I really can't thoroughly review this without several spoilers, but I'd say it's a really nice attempt. There are things that are 100% great and things that are 100% wrong. When I said about Batman Begins that Christopher Nolan "gets it" - I think Bryan Singer about half gets it.

Three and a half out of five.

Pretty for most of it to look at, but too slow.

Not nearly enough Superman... or Clark Kent for that matter.

I'll cover more when you losers see it.

Some Quick Movie Reviews

2006-06-23T03:28:00.000-04:00

An Inconvenient Truth, or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love Manbearpig.

Okay, so if you know me, you know that I’m like totally gay for Al Gore. I just find him to be a really good guy – like Jimmy Carter. Just like Carter, he’ll probably make a better impact on the world outside of office.

Anyway - the movie. I’m not going to dig into the science presented or speculate on its validity. Even if I went through the trouble of finding the data and evaluate it all myself, I doubt a theater manager would be any more of an expert on it than a lawyer or a bouncer. That being said, I believe Gore makes a pretty compelling case in the film… in the film.

As for the marketing campaign, I think he’s certainly much looser and affable than we saw him in the ill-fated presidential run that he won/lost, but still dangerously running on sound-byte loops. The most damning phrase of the sell, is his continuous use of the phrase, “The debate is over.” I really don’t think that’s true. I mean if it were, wouldn’t there be some sort of consensus? Would this movie have a market?

Despite all of these issues and the fact that you can’t believe a goddamn thing anyone, much less a former lawyer and politician that you’re like totally gay for, tells you. I think this documentary is worth checking out. Specifically, if you can do it for free.

Nacho Libre

Director Jared Hess is probably the most qualified Wes Anderson clone around. I think if he finds a script that really fits his style as much as Napoleon Dynamite, but with some sort of… what’s it called?… oh, yeah… story, he’ll be pretty interesting to see. Nacho ain’t it. That being said, if you get a kick out of watching Jack Black act goofy, this is the movie for you.

Cars

When I saw the first trailer for Cars, I thought, “Well, Pixar, you had a good run.”

The more I read on it, the more I started to come to think it might be okay. I mean, John Lasseter was directing, after all. He’s a great animation director who really seems to be in love with the medium.

So I saw it. I liked it. I didn’t love it, but I expected to hate it. It had a ton of contemporary humor without being flat out topical or direct references to films that no one will remember in ten years, giving it a shot at becoming a classic. It was funny, cute, and brilliantly animated.

Picture Doc Hollywood, only Michael J. Fox isn’t the guy with the busted down Porsche – he is the busted down Porsche. But, unless you can arrange a private screening, I’d wait for the DVD and skip the noisy-ass kids.

A Prairie Home Companion

I think that this is what George Lucas was trying to accomplish when they made The Radioland Murders. The difference? Garrison Keillor’s dry sharp wit, despite being mostly wholesome and slightly Christiany, is tailor made for this kind of story; that, and the fact that he’s been putting on this show for about a million years. Then you throw in Robert Altman, a director that can overdue it with the ambient action, but slides into this story as easily as a simile that perfectly analogizes a great fit. It’s a cute, charming, and poignant story that is drenched in the dry humor of the Mid-West. The best movie I’ve seen so far this summer. Kevin Kline is as great as he is in A Fish Called Wanda, and Woody Harrelson and John C. Reilly are hilarious as the risque singing cowboys.

Don Peyote

2006-06-03T01:45:00.000-04:00

All right, so the blogger site doesn’t really want to do business with me anymore. For some reason it likes to close the browser at random whenever I visit the site in attempts to post.

Imagine my frustration! But I press on, well aware of the fact that it is not me but you, gentle reader, who is the victim.

So here’s the real deal.

The shizz. Nitt.

Don is back.

This is great.

So, aside from the fact that I got one really psychotic E-mail and another really really psychotic voice-mail – this one’s a doozy.

Since Don’s departure, he’s apparently had time to reflect on things - Where’s my life going? – This sort of thing. Well, friend, I’m here to tell you that he has enrolled in school, and not just any school - Community College. His major? Drama.

It is absolutely all I can do to not enroll in a theatre class and drive this fucker down. Imagine one of Don’s monologues with me supporting him.

“Hey, Donnie. Do the thing where you pretend to have a panic attack!” I turn to our classmates, “You guys are gonna love this. I swear to God, you will actually think he’s having a fucking panic uh-tack! He’ll even have you call an ambulance. He’s that fucking committed, bro! Bobby DeNiro with a mother-fuckin’ hillbilly goddamn style! This here’s William the Shiz-atner! Leave a message after the beep, bitch!”

That’s when I slap a fellow student in my enthusiasm.

“Don-oh! Do that scene where you pretend you’re arm is hurt!” jabbing my classmate in the ribs with my elbow, “This mother-fucker even got a doctor to say he had surgery! A fuckin’ dock. Terr.” My head tilts back, mouth open in glee, “Classic Don!”

I begin to wash Don’s feet with oils, stroking his toes with my hair.

“Objet d' art, you magnificent sonofabitch!” weeping now, “Objet d' art!”

I kill us all.

Art School Idol Code

2006-05-12T13:05:00.000-04:00

Okay, first I have a couple of movie reviews, but they'll be quick.

Art School Confidential. I really enjoyed this here pitcher. It really took me back to guess what? Art School - you guessed it. Now, this is really more of a fine art setting, but I've had my share of them too. The characters in this thing are straight out of my own life. There's a scene where one of the characters goes through and breaks everyone down by cliche and it couldn't be more spot on. I'm not sure if people outside of art-class veterans will really appreciate it, but I liked it a lot. Especially for a Terry Zwigoff film.

Then, DaVinci Code. What can I say? I haven't read the book, but it struck me as National Treasure with a better cast. Good popcorn happy fun time. But I just found out that it's like totally made up. Thanks for the heads up, Catholic Church!

And finally - American Idol. What the frick? Chris Daughtry, my predicted hands down winner, was sent packing this week. It was just weird since he was clearly the most confident and exciting performer on the damn thing. Although I was delighted to see the hot little piece of eye-candy, Kat McPhee stayed on another week. I wish they would vote off her blubbering papa, though - he really kills my boner. So, besides Katharine, we're left with your Dad's friend, Taylor, and Elliot "Fists for Teeth" Yamin. I really like Elliot best of these three, titties aside, but he is pretty tough to look at. Like he should be sticking out the back of Sarah Michelle Gellar's head in the shower. But I think America loves Taylor, so get used to this guy. I don't think he's ever been in the bottom few all year.

Pee Sout Gnigg Ahs

The Big Fat Brain

2006-05-08T23:36:00.000-04:00

Just a shout out to my hero, Troy Hitch.

I've put a link to his blog and his super-mega-awesome web-design/ ad-agency/ whatever it is, Big Fat [Brain] Institute. They've taken home a Webby and were fellated by the Washington Post for Troy's brilliant website.

If you have time for a painfully pleasurable laugh, check the BFI site out, it has Troy's school-film send up that's an absolute scream. Make sure you go through it all - there are some real gems.

Paid for by the oversized pale red-heads who are gay for Troy.

Elemental

2006-05-08T23:06:00.000-04:00

So, last week whilst vacationing in wet and chilly Indianapolis, I got m'self a new car. A Kiwi-Metallic Honda Element LX.

Here's the thing that rocks. Imagine if you will, a world where everything is built for the average sized person, except your size is... above average. Not insanely above average, but pretty well above. Imagine everything in your life was replaced with a mock-up of the exact same item at 91% of its original size. This isn't really enough to make your life an Andre-the-Giant type of Johnathan Swift nightmare, but you'd feel cramped everywhere you went.

I have drank the nectar of the Ents.

So I went from driving my '95 Civic, which I piloted while cocking (I said it) my head at a thirty-seven degree angle to navigate the very roof, to my 2K6 Element which is really into giving me my space. It reminded me of Ron Howard's opus, Night Shift, where Henry Winkler's character traded in the smothering fiancee for the welcoming love of a whore. She knows just how I like it. With lots of... headroom.

Furthermore, the Element has no carpet for me to spill coffee and diet coke into; I can hose it out if I like. Again - whore-like.

Tribble Flavored Keesses For My Ben

2006-05-04T21:15:00.000-04:00

I wahnda if Mistah Spawk wants to ah... get some Orion Slave
Guhl Who-uhs.

So, I read this rumor that Paramount has opened a dialog with the Daredevil himself to explore the possibility of his playing James Tiberius Kirk in the upcoming eleventh Star Trek film, Star Trek: Spock Makes a Dookie. Seriously? Can't possibly be.

If Ever a Motherfucker Needed Firin'

2006-04-22T13:16:00.000-04:00

Rick Berman: Douche-Bag

A decade after it should have happened, Paramount has finally given Rick Berman the opportunities to pursue interests outside of Star Trek. They've even managed to find someone with a pretty damn good resume to take over the helm - Lost and Alias phenom, J.J. Abrams.

Let me explain why I'm such a huge dork on Trek. Picture me not Big, but Little. One of my earliest memories, is sitting with my dad as he explained why the man with the blue shirt has pointy ears. Some kids have baseball, I had Star Trek.

This is huge. Imagine if it were possible to fire George Lucas from Star Wars.

No word yet on what the plot would be, but we're looking at a 2008 release. Batman and Star Trek in the same year. Sweet.

Glitch in the Matrix

2006-04-18T18:12:00.000-04:00

The first thing I noticed when entering the supermarket, was the couple buying donuts; boxes upon boxes of donuts. They purchased them in an assembly line fashion. The man swiped his debit card as the cashier ran them through the scanner and down the conveyer belt, where the woman promptly placed them back in the cart. I thought nothing of it... at first.

I proceeded to the salad bar and loaded up on saladries. Once my vegetable opus was complete, I stepped up to the deli checkout, since there was historically a shorter wait there. On my way to the register, a strange thing happened; a supermarket employee rushed to beat me to the register - the unmanned register. I thought this was a little bit of a disservice to the patrons of the market, but the guy was on his break, I guess.

After a couple minutes, the two people in front of me waiting for the absent cashier hadn't said a word. They simply continued to patiently wait for the cashier who could very well have been dead. Not wanting to spend the day there, I decided to head to the main checkout.

I got in line behind a young couple that communicated by sign language. My arrogance made the assumption that they were discussing me, but they never directly referenced me - I'm assuming they signed to one another, "Don't! Don't look over there! He'll know we're talking about him!"

The cashier asked, "Paper or plastic?" Honest. I know it's cliché, but people really ask it.

The young man, who clearly heard the question, tapped the young woman on the shoulder and signed the phrase, "Now look. That guy behind us is trying to see how to ask 'paper or plastic' in sign-language." They shared an inward deaf giggle at my expense and stuck their groceries in plastic sacks.

In the next lane over, a man dressed as a chef bought several baskets.

Behind me, a woman unloaded her cart - 24 oz. six-packs of Diet Coke - several of them.

There's really no single stand out event from the visit. I just found all of the events cumulatively strange.

When I started to write this, my neighbor's car alarm started going off. I ask you this - has any good come of car alarms? Is there a story that ends with the phrase... "Thank God the car-alarm went off and tragedy was averted!"?

American Midol... It relieves bloating

2006-04-07T02:10:00.000-04:00

Well, this week we sent home Mandisa – the pretty, but Hugh Jassed contestant on American Idol. (The upsetting thing is that next week, the show's theme is songs by Queen, and I’d pay top dollar to see that gal perform "Fat Bottomed Girls".)

On a side note - I read that Prince was to soon be on the show to coach the combatants, but the genius of self-promotion pulled out when he failed to come to an agreement with the show's producers. This guy is amazing. He got the whole world to feverishly chitchat and make jokes and write op-ed pieces about him while not putting out records by changing his name to an unpronounceable symbol. I heard he even considered driving a car of meat! Right now, I'm promoting him for free. That's what I call relevance!

Also on this week’s show, the horribly disfigured gravel-throated 1980s crossover pop icon Kenny Rogers coached the hopefuls on their country music themed performances.

Kenny "Lecter Face" Rogers Today.

Kenny Rogers prior to horrible disfigurement.

I thought Kenny would, by now, know when to walk away (from plastic surgery). Seriously – he looks like when they get a new James Bond, Ronald McDonald, or Morris the Cat. He sounds the same, he looks similar, but something just ain’t right. Like Hannibal Lecter is wearing the head-skin of Kenny Rogers as a mask. The hair on his head is actually his beard from the eighties.

But lads, let me tell you about the hot milky number named Katharine McPhee. G'g'g'g'g'owww!

Also, on an unrelated topic, I need to re-express my usual glee in yet another brilliant episode from the cats of South Park. If you missed it, catch one of the fifty million re-runnings that Comedy Central will air before next week's episode. I hope next week’s features a cartoon version of the prophet Mohammed giving Tom Cruise a facial.

The Daylight Savings Apocaplypse

2006-04-02T03:49:00.000-04:00

Seriously, it's just one hour.

Well, here at the crossroads of America, we'll begin observing daylight savings time this evening. I know this is pretty standard to all you folks out there, but Indiana hasn't done this in over fifty years. See, we didn't fuck with their clocks for no-good-God-damn-reason the way you other dipshits did. Now we enter into the realm of if ya can't beat 'em.

Now the Herculean feat of convincing folks right here in corn country that everything will be fine, has fallen to the few out-of-staters and super-intelligentlemen (Of which I am both). We must educate the Hoosiers here on a few misunderstandings:

This isn't a plot by Domino's to throw off the pizza industry's half-hour or less mantra.

This will actually have zero effect on anything they actually do in their lives, aside from checking their clocks tomorrow morning and possibly being late to church. Think of it as Daylight Inconvenience Time.

It's just the one day. Although this sounds like a joke, my wife and myself have encountered co-workers who actually believed we would be converting to twenty-three hour days for the summer. No shit.

The sun will not be up at eleven O'clock at night.

Cute little corn-huskers.

Flix

2006-03-31T04:28:00.000-05:00

Okay, so I haven't gone on record with my movie reviews in a bit, so I'll try to get everyone up to speed about what I think about movies. As if anyone cares.

There's a lot I've seen since last posting a review, so I'll hit some quick ones that I saw some time ago:

Libertine - Liked it okay, but mostly it was one of those painful to watch as the main character gets more and more fucked. Like Boogie Nights without Alfred Molina jamming to Night Ranger.

Transamerica - Surprised to find myself enjoying it. The end was really crap, though. A career in gay porn isn't really a happy ending. You shouldn't really try to sell it that way.

V For Vendetta - Less talkie, more fightie.

And tonight, I've ingested two movies - Slither, which I loved, and Basic Instinct 2, which may be the worst film ever.

So anyway - go and see Slither if that's your type of thing. It's very funny, not too scary, but really goofy and over the top. Michael Rooker turns into a giant squid-thing. What's better than that?

Best line from Slither (from the Mayor, who had almost all the good lines) "Mr. Pibb is the only kind of Coke I like!"

Surprisingly, that mayor was played by Tom Hanks.

Just kidding.

Hey FCC !

2006-03-20T02:20:00.000-05:00

I also wanted to shout out some kudos to the Family Guy, who re-ran their "Fuck the FCC" episode this week in a timely fashion, having garnered some fines from the organization under their new "No-boobs is good boobs" mentality. Apparently, V-chips and common sense just ain't cutting the mustard any longer.

These guys are killing the free-air television and radio industries. Not to mention, my boner for furries.

Goin' on down to South Park

2006-03-20T01:59:00.000-05:00

I have no humor of my own to add to this, but below is a cut and paste from a Yahoo article quoting Matt Stone and Trey Parker of South Park in their response to Comedy Central's yanking of one of their best episodes in recent years; Trapped in the Closet.

The episode, aside from making fun of the very ridiculous religion, Scientology, also more or less exclaims, "Tom Cruise is a homo!" (As if we needed to be told.) Anyway, it's widely believed (despite the Tom Cruise machina emphatically denying involvement) that Cruise-Law-Sharks snubbed the 'sode.

Matt and Trey:

"So, Scientology, you may have won THIS battle, but the million-year war for earth has just begun!" the self-described "servants of the dark lord Xenu" said in a statement Thursday that does not mention Cruise. "Temporarily anozinizing our episode will NOT stop us from keeping Thetans forever trapped in your pitiful man-bodies."

That is fucking hilarious. If I need to explain why, move along.

I love those guys. Positively brilliant.

Tom Cruise: He's here. He's queer. Why can't he get used to it.

Douche-Bags of the Week!

2006-03-16T01:02:00.000-05:00

Okay, so puppies are like... "on", all the time. There's seriously no switch at all. Once you get one, you got one. There will be no script writing, or drawing, and there will certainly be no blogging.

Please read this quietly, as the little monster is sleeping in his crate. Finally exhausted from a day full of pooping and sleeping and eating. Can you imagine?

Let me point this out as well - the puppy regularly expels fecal matter in leavings the size of his leg. Now is the poo really big, the leg really small? I just know that if I pooped my leg, I'd shit a brick.

So anyway, I've added to the list of iconoclastic clickables and they should now include the bloggery of my Congo veterans - I'd suggest you give 'em a visit. They're all still in their infancies and need love to grow.

If you particularly check out Tofer's, you'll notice his hatred of Christians. In his defense, he really does. I mean really, if you knew him, you'd say, "Say what you will about Topher... he sure hates Christians."

I bring up Topher's aversion to Christians as it plays into my newest hated minority group; Douche-bags.

The beauty of douche-bags is that it's a group that includes all walks of life - Christians, Muslims, former Captains of Correlian freighters, and fine purveyors of funk.

We’ll work backwards. Isaac Hayes has left South Park.

Hayes released this horseshit statement yesterday:

"There is a place in this world for satire, but there is a time when satire ends and intolerance and bigotry towards religious beliefs of others begins. Religious beliefs are sacred to people, and at all times should be respected and honored. As a civil rights activist of the past 40 years, I cannot support a show that disrespects those beliefs and practices."

Those “beliefs” and so-called “religion” he’s talking about is the completely fake-religious tax-evasion organization known as the Church of Scientology. Hayes, being a Scientologist, has called foul on the South Park episode that pokes fun at Scientology, because of its disregard of people’s religious beliefs.

This is a short list of things that Hayes had no problem with:

-Eric Cartman tricks a kid into eating his parents.
-Jesus fights the Devil on Pay-Per-View.
-A Mormon episode singing about the founding of the religion as, “Dumb-dumb-dumb-dumb- dumb.”
-Kenny McCormack fights the forces of Hell with a PSP.

Now those are just off the top of my head, but I’m sure there are far worse that you can think of… play this game at home!

Isaac Hayes: Douche-Bag.

The Nth of Bigtobest has secured an exclusive interview with Hayes:

Nth: Isaac. Isn’t it true that you are a douche-bag?
IH: Yep. That Shaft is a bad mutha-
Nth: Shutcho mouth!
IH: Hey, I’m just talkin’ ‘bout Shaft.
Nth: Oh. Sorry to interrupt. Carry on.
IH: Forget it now.
Nth: No, really.
IH: Nope. You ruined it.

Now we move on to my adolescent hero, Harrison Ford. What-the-mother-fuck? Remember when Star Wars was awesome and Ford wasn’t a douche-bag? Take out the earring, buy your girlfriend a sandwich and make a movie that’s not about your family being in peril and you must perform a series of predictable events to keep them safe. What happened to Witness-Harrison Ford or Mosquito Coast-Harrison Ford? Why do we get Firewall-Harrison Ford?

Here’s my review of Firewall – it’s Air Force One without the plausible storyline.

What bothered me most about Firewall is that you open up with Ford’s character, let’s call him “Bippy”, as the head of e-security at a huge bank of some sort. (I’m vague because the movie’s vague. It’s like Homer Simpson wrote it.) Now, you see Bippy at home with his wife and family and they all get along. This is the biggest single issue with the movie. The entire time Bippy and his family are in danger and could be killed at any moment, you can’t help but think, “Eh… they had a good run.” Like if they died, they had no unfinished business – like, “Well, at least I regularly advised my family that I loved them a great deal. I have no regrets.”

Then you have painfully dumbed-down tech-speak. It even went under my head. Not to mention that Ford tapping away at computer keys looks a little bit like Australopithecine using an abacus. He should have been beating the computer with a club. It would have been more believable.

Ancient weapons and hokey religions are no match for having a good blaster at your side.

Harrison Ford: Douche-Bag.

So, then you have this genius. Fuck him. Does anyone else wonder whatever happened to the “civil” part of civil disobedience? Try a sit in, a Tupperware party, or maybe even speed dating. Nobody listens to douche-bags that try to kill innocent people.

The guy said that he did this to protest the actions of the United States around the world. As of press-time, the United States had not curbed any of its actions anywhere in the world, however the U.S. did punch a 78-year-old Canadian nun in the face… out of spite.

You did it, man! You really changed things!

Mohammed Taheri-azar: Douche-Bag!

And finally…

Douche-Bag.

Leno apparently called to apologize to this idiot that he offended with his edgy Jay Leno humor. Then the lady says that it was really big of Jay to call and apologize like that.

And even bigger to issue a press release about it.

PUPPY!!!

2006-02-15T19:52:00.000-05:00

Ladies and germs, may I present the cutest living puppy on Earth... IGOR!

Igor is a 10 week old French Bulldog. He likes biting, pooping, and biting. His favorite toys are; the rat, the monkey, and the dumb-bell. He is presently 4.1 lbs, which means I could literally shit bigger'n him.

Gotta go... puppies are too cute to spend your time blogging.

Big out.

Brokeback-Door Mountin'

2006-01-23T12:53:00.000-05:00

So everyone seems to think that this movie is tops. And granted, I haven’t even seen it, at least not all of it. You know why? Because it looks absolutely retarded.

Let’s remove the gay aspect. It still looks retarded.

Now, on occasion, I’ll pop in and watch a few minutes of it and I’ll admit that the acting is really good. It’s top notch. The movie is still idiotic.

Then the Golden Globes come around. It picks up something like four awards. Not one single person thanked the Village People.

You cannot tell me that there is a hope in hell that a gay cowboy movie would ever be made if not for the V-Peeps paving the way. These guys made it okay for Vin Diesel to play a biker or for Tom Cruise to play a cop.

The other thing about Fudge-pack Mountain is that no one wants to say it sucks. If they do (see Gene Shallit) they are ostracized for developing an independent opinion outside the status quo and labeled an idiot or a hate-monger. This is a movie with a tender love story about two guys who cheat on their wives so they can have wild gay cowboy poop-sex in the outdoors. At one point, Jake Gyllenhaal’s character ventures to Tijuana in order to have unprotected boy-sex with Mexican androgynous butt-whores. It’s a paradigm of morality, and Gyllenhaal’s character is sexually predatory as Mr. Shallit points out.

How dare this film be subject to scrutiny!

Also, as an aside – when exactly is society full? This is what I’m talking about – I was watching a show on Discovery or TLC or something about trans-gendered people. Some were post-op and some were pre-op, but all were miserable. The one point they kept making was that they should be accepted by society - and so on. Now, here’s my issue – when is the lane closed? When does the cashier stop ringing people through to the belly of social accord? We let in trans-gendered and we don’t let in pedophile’s? Am I saying that hermaphrodites and child molesters are the same? Of course not, but maybe fifty years ago, they were considered as being the same.

So, I guess what I want to say to everybody is that you should do what you want as long as it makes you happy and doesn’t hurt anyone else. And if Gene Shallit doesn’t like it, have a little class. Don’t be a small petty little pussy and label him Nazi or a closet homo just because he doesn’t like you pretentious little douche-bag of a movie. Consider for a moment, that the movie actually does suck, despite being chock full o’ cock-full.

Fuck GLAAD.

Lou Gramm Was Asking for It

2006-01-11T18:57:00.000-05:00

PROLOGUE

Some months ago, back in August, I was rear-ended by a filthy foreigner.

Wait. That makes me seem like some sort of xenophobe.

Unless you thought it was Lou Gramm who rear-ended me. Then it just makes me sound like a fag. Truth is that I just enjoy the language of hate. No actual hate is felt in my heart for anyone based on creed, color, sexual orientation, height, width, or hair-length. That being said – there is plenty of hate there, just none for foreigners.

Anyway, this Argentine bean-picker hops out of his new-ish Mustang in his brand-new designer clothes and gold jewelry and says, “I have no een-SURE-ens. I’ve only been EEN this country for CUPP-le months.”

Now, beyond my already well-founded irritation I found myself being further annoyed by this guy’s horseshit. He can get a car, clothes, jewelry, a cell-phone, but not insurance? Not to mention his blatant misappropriation of syllabic emphasis. Furthermore, the fucker just rear-ended me with no insurance.

Geico… ten-minute phone call.

So, I insisted that we fill out a Police report, since the accident happened right in front of a cop.

NEW YEAR’S EVE

I’m pulled over by the local police. I wasn’t speeding. I hadn’t run any stop signs. I was confused.

COP: Mr. [Big]?
Me: Um… yeah?
COP: You know your license has been suspended?
Me: Um… no?
COP: Yeah. It’s suspended.

Mostly after that, I asked repeatedly if he was serious and replied that he was.

Here’s what happened. No damage was done to my car, so I never filed a claim. The insurance company never told the state that I had insurance at the time of the accident and they suspended my license.

So, the cop drops me off at work in a police cruiser. It was fantastic and not a pain in the ass at all. He was a nice guy, though and agreed that if I resolved the matter quickly enough, he’d tear up the ticket.

So there’s a special DMV for the re-issue of license suspensions. Imagine the scene at the end of Beetlejuice, only everyone is really macabre. The ladies that work at this special DMV are so far gone from enjoying life that it sort of reminded me of visiting old people in a home. This is what they will look like when Jesus calls them. Their senses of humor are either gone or never existed in the first place. When I was given a number, it was seventy-two. I cheerfully asked if they were on seventy-one right now – not the best wisecrack, but certainly good enough for counter repartee. Nothing. Just, “No. Thirty-one.”

So, long story long, I have my license back. The moral of the story? Don’t take no shit from Argentineans.

EPILOGUE

The sun is setting over the hills of Montego Bay, where the locals now consider me native. It seems like a lifetime since that day back in early 2006. A local boy, Hondo, visited me today. He brought fresh plantains from his Uncle’s tree.

“Look like rain again today, Mister Big-Man, sir!” he sang – a bunch of bananas in his hand.

I just smiled at the lad, trying to match the wide grin on his face and said, “Piss off, you filthy spic.”

FIN

PC STDs

2006-01-11T18:53:00.000-05:00

So, maybe you're wondering what's happened with the blog, well I'll tell you. Porn.

Not good wholesome man on woman stuff either. Not even Fudgepack Mountain. This is the miscreant type of special pornography that leads to complete and utter failure of your PC. Viruses. Or... viri... whatever the plural is.

The truth of the matter is that I hate typing on my laptop, which I ironically bought to write with. Now, it too has succumbed to porn slag after an apparent lost weekend.

This is the reaction everyone has when they hear that your computer has a bug:

"Ah... porn."

The Last Don

2005-11-28T18:48:00.000-05:00

So, my desktop has become riddled with a deadly virus or bird flu or something and I'm stuck using my laptop. Basically, Norton deleted a file that I apparently needed in order to get online.

Ooops.

So it appears that Don has left my world. I'm not quite uncorking the champagne, but it's looking positive. I don't really feel like blogging about it considering I've already had to put it in writing a million timed for the "man" and also - Don is very litigant. If you can reach me by phone, I'll be happy to tell you the ridiculous story. It's a fabulous tale with video and a boob and psychotic episodes.

So here's my review of Walk the Line. It's really good.

Here's my review of Harry Potter. I slept through most of it because I had just worked 20 hours on one hour of sleep. I'm sure it's good, but I'm really just going by other peoples word.

So that's really all that's going on right now. I'm still very sleepy, but wanted to post before I was forgotten altogether.

Turns Out, I Don't Work Here

2005-10-22T16:59:00.000-05:00

So a little ways back, I wrote about how I'm always mistaken for a person who works wherever I happen to be. That trend has seemed to ebb.

Mostly, I've been getting people who, at first, think I work there, but realize their mistake mid-sentence. So, I get a lot of this...

"Where's the-"

"Do you ha-"

"Barne's and Noble is sure hiring some sexy looking men these days."

The funny thing about the recent trend is that once the person realizes their mistake, they immediately look around like they were talking to someone else who has just vanished.

Sick of the Arabian Hurricane Pandemic

2005-10-22T16:41:00.000-05:00

I just wanted to go on record here as being officially tired of the Middle East.

Mostly, the background music on every news spot featuring that whiney Arab singer - you know what I'm saying.

That's not to say that I am in some sort of way trying to fan the flames of hate or anything of the like. I worked for an Arabian, well Jordanian family for eight years (When you're as ignorant as me, you think they're all the same) and they were wonderful people. Just report on something else once in awhile.

Oh, and hurricanes. Man, am I sick of hurricanes. Almost as much as God hates the South. George Bush doesn't care about black people? Check your boy, Jesus.

So imagine my tolerance of the Pakistani earthquake - Aaah!

Don't even get me started on the Goddamn bird-flu!

Kittens. Baskets of kittens. That's what I want to see on the news. A twenty-four-hour CNN puppy channel.

If you need me, I'll have my head in the sand.

First One Against the Wall

2005-10-22T16:38:00.000-05:00

Since this blog is in danger of having more Spam than legitimate postings, I thought I'd finally put some thoughts down.

But first, a Don story.

Don pokes his head in the office, opens up the key locker and says this - "Bobrick. One key."

At this point, he looks at me with a "stretched canvas" expression on his face that begs acknowledgment. I repeat the phrase back to him, "Bobrick. One key."

He nods.

I then give the open handed "what the fuck are you saying" expression.

"Bobrick," he repeats. Believing that if he said it again, it would be clear.

"Is it Timmy girl? Is Timmy in the well?"

"Huh?"

"What in the name of all things fuck are you saying?!!"

"Toilet paper."

"What about toilet paper?!"

"The dispensers."

"Okay?!"

"Bobrick!"

So then, with my face, I say that the next words out of his talker better explain what he's talking about. He says, "Bobrick. They make the toilet paper dispensers. They all take the same key, but we only got one."

"How unbelievably difficult would have been to have formed a complete sentence from the get-go?"

"I thought-chew-new what Bobrick was."

Honestly.

Take it Back a Notch

2005-09-18T13:39:00.000-05:00

So, the Daily Show, which I generally enjoy pretty thoroughly did a special report last week called, Evolution Shmevolution, where they were to delve into the finer points of the Creationism vs. Evolution arguments, specifically as it pertains to Intelligent Design.

Sounds good so far, right?

Now, I realize that the Daily Show is not "the news" so I certainly don't think they shoulder the same level of responsibility that actual news programs are accountable for, but they got a little too... irresponsible this week.

The idea was presented as if it were going to be an argument. These are the points for, these are the points against. But really, it was a bunch of snotty humorists calling Christians "idiots" without allowing them to rebut except in cleverly cut segments designed to paint them like archaic witch-burners. The problem is that they never really got anyone of substance to debate and make their case. A little too snarky for snarky's sake. The pot calling the kettle closed-minded.

That being said, Christians are idiots.

I'm not talking about Christianity per se, or certainly not Christ, but these people are idiots. A few very loopy folks make everyone of the faith look like dolts. Case in point - there was a story some weeks back where a Christian group was lobbying that wherever Evolution was represented, that some sort of Creationist symbolism was also present. My answer to this would have been a compromise - the traditional human-species evolutionary timeline featuring, Australopitheci Ramidus, Afarensis, Africanus, Robustus, Homo Habilis, Homo Erectus, Jesus Christ, and finally, Homo Sapien.

The idea of incorporating a religious argument into a scientific theory is silly. Do we also mention in Math classes about the Holy Trinity? In shop class, do we place a placard saying that only God can make a tree? In home economics, do we stress how women are submissive to the male gender and should cater to the men in every way which is called upon them? Okay, I'm actually on board with the last one, but you get my point.

How about this, whenever you don't know where something came from, a wizard did it.

Also, Joe is gay. (Let's get back to the basics.)

Why This Blog is Better Than Bloggy's

2005-09-12T19:43:00.000-05:00

First, let's examine the respective authors. You have me, a handsome and intelligent enigma.

That's right. I said it. Enigma.

Now let's take Bloggy. Life revolving around T-Shirts, caps, and rodentia. That's right, rabbit-fucking. Also, he's way fatter, like by eight-hundred pounds. And balder. And he's horribly deformed. And he smells like tuna casserole. And he laughs at EVERYTHING. I mean... the fucker's probably chuckling RIGHT NOW!

Now let's look at the titles of the blogs. This one has a very unique name. I'd wager that the average palooka couldn't even tell you what the Nth of Bigtobest is. It's like a very exclusive restaurant where you have to enter through a very unassuming door with no flashy sign. Bloggy is more like a TGI Fridays - it's a very appetizer-centric menu.

Now, I know what's going through your head. Or, if you happen to be Bloggy, I'm sure someone could explain it to you. What's my fucking problem, right? Right!

Now the real issue. Updates. Now, I know what you're saying to me, vicariously through your computer monitor, "You are every bit as infrequent in your updates as Bloggy - if not moreso!"

And, you'd be right if you weren't terribly wrong.

Here's the meat of the issue. Bloggy regularly leaves his blogs with the promise of more. The hint of sequel. Let's take his latest where he claims to regale us with stories from his visit to the Dork-convention. Yet, no further information is forthcoming. And he's fine! It's not like he's sustained injuries to keep him from updating. I just spoke with him on the phone yesterday!

Also, I have it on good authority through a third party that he loves cock in his bum.

Custom or Service

2005-08-20T02:15:00.000-05:00

There are two kinds of people in this world. Customers and serial rapists.

Wait. Customers and whatever the yin is to that particular yan.

Rule number one - "The customer is always right. Even when they're a gigantic heaving bucket of douche-spill. They're right. Right as rain."

I know that this rule seems insane. Like when a customer complains that their auditorium is too cold in a very nasty way and you blast the heat just to fuck with them - then they come out when the movie is over and yell at you some more, but they still say the movie was too cold when it was about 80 degrees - affirming that they're clearly unstable and should be tased.

Rule number two - "Whatever personal drama you may personally be going through is pure trivia compared to the fact that the customer's popcorn is too salty, their movie is too loud, and Harry Potter was written by a witch."

No shit. Harry Potter was written by a witch. Someone went through the trouble to put pen to paper to voice that the Harry Potter movie should not be exhibited because the books were written by a witch. What fuckin' year is it?

Rule number three - "Always give two shits."

This is especially for the customers who have carefully calculated each minute, penny, and breath that they have spent in pursuit of watching a movie. The prices they paid are generally correct as they repeat it back to you - which they do in order to remind you of how much they're giving and how little they receive in return. But when they get to the time they spent in line - the figure is generally quite epic. A good rule of thumb is to multiply whatever time they say they waited in line by .2 and that's likely the actual time they spent waiting. These are usually the people that come to an opening night of Star Wars two minutes before the advertised show time assuming that they'll be the only ones.

Rule number four - "Yes, you've seen the research and you agree."

So a guy buys a ticket. He then buys a metric ton of snacks while complaining about the insane prices. Then he says, "I know you don't set the prices and things, but you know why this is why no one's going to the movies anymore."

"Why's that?"

"Because it's so darned expensive. It's ridiculous to pay this much for a Coke."

"Ah. And that's why no one's going to movies." Other than this idiot who bought a ticket and snacks.

"Yep," as he slurps, "have you seen the research?"

What in the fuck is this guy talking about? Of course I've seen the research. I have a team of Swedes scouring the Earth for scientific data and they brief me each morning over cantaloupe and chai.

"Well. I think it may have more to do with the decline in quality product out of Hollywood, the affordability of home theatre equipment, and the narrowing window between theatric and DVD release. Especially since Cokes have always been overpriced at theaters. I mean really, theaters have only had two years in the past decade where they didn't have increased revenue from the prior year - and this year is one of them so far. We still have the Christmas season to pull out."

Slurp.

"Enjoy Four Brothers you fucking after-birth."

And, rule number nine - fuck rich kids. Especially that little Darth Vader fucker.

Remember this simple creed when serving the public -

"Customer service. We act nice - so you don't have to."

King Shits of Java

2005-08-09T19:02:00.000-05:00

So, we were out of coffee and I decided to go get some. Even though it's slightly more expensive, I went to the coffee shop instead of the grocery store - it was closer. I don't want to name the establishment, but it rhymes with Scarfucks. Anyway, I went into the joint with my usual "just woke up" demeanor. This was exacerbated by the fact that I had indeed, just woke up.

I browsed all the delightful blends of coffees on display and settled on a bold blend. I've realized that there are actually about three different blends of coffees from this place, but about a hundred different labels.

So up to the "barista" I stepped. "Barista" is a fancy word that means pinhead that knows how to make coffee and pierce their perineum.

The java-jerk rang up the sale and said, "Do you want us to grind this for you?"

Grind it? - I thought to myself. That would save me one entire step in the coffee-brewing process once I returned home. I'd be celebrated as a hero.

"Sure," I says to the blue-haired asexed purveyor of the bean.

"What kind of filter do you have?"

What kind of fucking trick question is this? - I think to myself.

"A c-o-o-o-ffee filter," I reply. I say it in a way like I'm testing the temperature of water with a phrase.

The "barista" gives off an almost imperceptible stillness that seems to say, "Cute kid."

"I know, but is it a flat-bottom, a cone..."

Still not entirely convinced that the barista is being serious with this question, I describe the filter.

As if rehearsed, they turn to a fellow barista. In unison, they say, "Flat-bottom!"

Then they grind the coffee in such a manner that would befit a flat-bottom filter and give it to me under the pretense that it fucking matters.

It doesn't.

Fucking coffee.

Overnight

2005-07-29T12:28:00.000-05:00

I just finished watching a documentary called Overnight. It's about the guy who wrote
The Boondock Saints, Troy Duffy. Troy was a bartender from Boston working in West Hollywood when he got the cream-dream screenplay/movie/record deal of unheard of proportions.

Problem is. He's an ass-bag.

So Mirimax and more specifically, Harvey, gave this dude three-hundred thousand bucks and a budget of fifteen-million to make his movie. Then the douche-bag decided to believe the hype and Mirimax basically served him his ass on a plate. It was almost like that scene in Hannibal (for those of you who were able to make it to the end of Hannibal) where Anthony Hopkins fed Ray Liotta his own stir-fried brain. Harvey fucking ended this guy as quickly as he made him.

The documentary was very compelling and sad. To watch some poor bastard unable to get out of the way of his own ego and destroy all of the relationships with his friends and family - harsh.

I highly recommend it, although it is kind of painful to watch, knowing you can't do anything to save this idiot from himself.

The film leaves us with Troy having pissed away all of his money and being blacklisted Joe McCarthy style out of the Hollywood machine. Although, if you check out the link, IMDB shows a Boondock II in the works.

Kookie.

Will and Grace Sucks

2005-07-29T12:20:00.000-05:00

Why do people like this show?

Do people really sit around watching it, occasionally turning to their viewing companion and saying, "Get it? 'Cause they're gay!"

It's like hanging out with Yates and Joe, only (and I can't believe I'm saying this) more gay.

See, one gay dude lives with a straight chick and lives in a building with a flaming homosexual (from what I've been able to piece together) and they actively remind everyone that they're gay. Get it?

It reminds me of when homosexuals come out of the closet and due to the weight being off their shoulders, they constantly make jokes to put those around them, and mostly themselves, at ease with the life change. This is all well and good - I'm sure coming out must be quite the ordeal, but eventually someone needs to stand up and say, "Okay! We get it! You're gay!"

I've known several gay people. Even beyond Joe and Yates. They don't talk like this. Neither do straight people behave reciprocally. Why do Will and Grace?

Enough pride already!

TEAM AMERICA

2005-07-29T02:09:00.000-05:00

I just wanted to go on record here.

I love Team America.

I think it's one of the funniest movies I've ever seen.

I think Matt Parker and Trey Stone are the modern day equivalent of Mark Twain. Their irreverent constant mocking of hypocrisy and horse shit in general are definitely in the same spirit, if not the well mannered disposition, as Twain.

I just thought the world should know.

What do girls know, anyway? America. Fuck yeah.

The Devil's Rejects

2005-07-29T01:34:00.000-05:00

So, when I first watched the movie, I thought... pretty good. See, I was expecting House of 1,000 Corpses - a suck-fest I was lured into viewing a couple years ago. Since House sucked so profoundly, I found Devil's to be... okay.

Oh, by the way, I'll be spoiling.

Then it started to dawn on me... it was actually pretty bad. And here's why. I decided to look at it as a movie rather than an improvement over the last Rob Zombie... "film."

One time I watched a movie that was really bad based on a friend's advice. I think it was Con Air. After the movie, I told them that it was aweful and they said that I was looking at it all wrong. I really couldn't go into it expecting a good movie.

Why not? Even bad good movies have something. Con Air just sucked.

Well, let's say you've got yourself a pack... no, family of serial killers. They include Rob Zombie's old lady, Sheri Moon-Zombie, Leslie Easterbrook of Police Academy fame, some dude that looks like Rob Zombie, and Sid Haig - walking freakshow. Now let's say that with no setup, we witness a search and destroy mission on the Rejects' compound which is little more than a lean-to in the middle of the desert. Fine. I'll hop on board - why not. Now, you manage to capture the matriarch of the pack, Easterbrook. Since you're a pissed off lone gun marshall of some sort, you throw Easterbrook in the pokie which consists of a chain link fence stapled to a two-by-four framed jail cell. Now the devil's Rejects' names and pictures are all over the news. At no point does the FBI show up to take over the investigation. At no point is Easterbrook moved to some sort of secure location. Fine, whatever. Now, the vigilante sherriff/marshall seeks you out to kill you. You being the Devil's Rejects. (Sorry if I'm confusing, I've had a couple).

Okay, now the DRs are holed up in a motel that they have agreed to ahead of time meet at should they ever be pursued by the fuzz. There, they kill that dude that was in every Clint Eastwood movie in the eighties and the first Suzanne Somers replacement on Three's Company. They kill everyone and really, this is the only real engaging part of the picture, only because the best actors were in this group of victims. Ooooh - you also get to see Mr. Show's Brian Posehn take one between the eyes.

I could go on, but to sum up, here's the problem with DRs. It had some great scenes of very realistic and gritty and gory killings that were totally undone by stupid ill-planned story telling. Case in point - the cops, when they realize that Sid Haig's character, Captain Spalding, got his name from an old Marx Brothers film (which was insulting enough) they call the local movie critic for help on the case. When the critic insults Elvis, he narrowly escapes with his life.

Dumb.

Ah well, I don't know how else to say it - hang on to your eight to twelve bucks.

I Don't Want to know How Many Goddamn Chickens!

2005-07-13T18:08:00.000-05:00

So not that anyone gives half a crap that the postings have been few-and-far-between, but this is what's been going on...

And if any of you sons-a-bitches (Yates) wishes me good luck or prayers or any other hocus-pocus mumbo-jumbo to ruin this, I'll friggin' kill Yates. (Seriously... I'm just looking for a reason.)

There's a script. Out there. In Hollywoodland. It got read by some people. These people (of repute) loved it, but wanted a few tweaks. No big.

That's what I've been doing. Tweaking.

It goes like this - I send a brilliant script that my writing partner and myself... er I... er me - I send our manager a script via E-mail. A work of genius. The manager sends back notes. By notes, I mean the pointless rearranging of words with no visible evidence of improvement. I then, cave to everything because our manager is insane and dumb and talentless and is holding up progress by making us change tomaytahs to tomahtas and French Vanilla to Vanilla Bean.

Then the manager asks me how they should send the script.

Read that last part again.

No shit. They ask what I think on how they should send it.

In their defense, I think it was for concern of quickness - E-mail being the instantaneous route. But, I said that generally, people don't like to read things on a computer monitor (myself being the exception) and that if we sent it electronically, the body of the E-mail may as well read,

"Here... you print this."

C-lass-y!

Oh, and also...

THEY"RE THE FUCKING MANAGER AND THEY SHOULD KNOW HOW TO SEND THE SCRIPT!

So chuckleboy is one step closer to a fucking tower.

TACTLESS

2005-07-08T10:56:00.000-05:00

So, we've hit a new low in reality TV. Even lower than the Real Gilligan's Island or Fear Factor.

We're now replacing the dead.

UPN has a new show called "RU the Girl?" which features the "not dead" members of TLC as they search for the new Lisa "Left Eye" Lopes, who was killed in a car crash some time back.

Meanwhile, not to be outdone, over on CBS Mark "Survivor" Burnett has put together a little freak-show called "Rock Star" where the surviving members of INXS search the nation to find the new Michael Hutchins, who strung himself up by his belt.

I say, let's not stop there. I think the Memphis Mafia should cast the new Elvis and the Doors should cast a new Jim Morrison. Wait, that one already happened.

I think I'm going to cast new people to be all of the loved ones I've lost through the years. I may even re-cast some of the people that are still living. But none of you guys.

Except maybe Yates.

And Pharoah Said...

2005-06-27T16:54:00.000-05:00

Picture yourself, a boss. You have about fifty employees. You schedule a staff meeting.

With me so far? Good.

Now let's say that one of your highest ranking employees, we'll call him Don, has just returned from a lengthy time away due to medical reasons. You tell Don that you want him to cover a certain topic at the scheduled meeting. A presentation, if you will. Then let's say that the same Don volunteers to bring donuts.

Day of the meeting. Don arrives with a box of donuts. A small box considering the size of the staff. "That's it for the donuts?" you say. "It's two dozen." replies Don. he says it in such a way that he could have finished with, "Duh." I then remind him that we have nearly half a Benjamin in employees. He shrugs.

Meeting.

"And now, Don is going to speak to everyone about emergency procedures."

Don(hand covering mouth): Shmimplapsy.
Me: What?
Don(hand still there): Hawlabaps.
Me: I don't know what you're saying.
Don(through hand): That right there. (Pointing) Throwin' things. Pens.
Me: And?
Don: That's it.
Me: Are you sure?
Don: (shrugs)
Me: You don't want to go into maybe evacuation procedures?
Don: That's it. Shmappa.
Me: Okay - I guess I'll be covering it.

I go on to cover Don's topic. I leave. Don has an alleged accident before I get back and has to go to the ER. He misses work the next day.

Hopefully he's made peace with his God.

HAPPINESS PIE

2005-06-27T13:58:00.000-05:00

Now, I've never been a country music "fanatic." Most of my guilty pleasures lean towards the outlaw brand. Your Johnny Cash, your Willie Nelson. Merle Haggard.

You get the picture.

So, for some reason, as I was getting ready to leave for a day of fun yesterday - the television was left... or abandoned... on the country music station. That's when the unthinkable happened:

Happy country songs.

One was by Tim McGraw, nephew of famed gunslinger "Quick-Draw McGraw." His ditty was called, DRUGS OR JESUS. No shit. It was a song about choosing between drugs or Jesus.

Drugs, please.

Then the follow up. Van Zant. If you recognize the name, it's because the band is made up of Jonnie and Donnie Van Zant - brethren to the late Ronnie Van Zant of Lynrd Skynrd. Their song was called, HELP SOMEBOBY IF YOU CAN from the album, GET RIGHT WITH THE MAN. It featured the line, "don't get too high on a bottle... and get right with THE MAN"

As Yates would say, "WHATTHEMUTHERFUCK!" This is the blood relations of Skynrd! Singin' about NOT drinkin'? It's Billy Carter syndrome.

Has Nashville become a giant pussy-school? Remember these lines?

"...think I'll just stay here and draank..."
"...I killed a man in Reno, just to watch him die..."
"...the beer I had for breakfast wasn't bad, so I had one more for dessert..."
"...the night life ain't no good life, but it's my life..."
"...the last thing I needed, first thing this morning, was to have you walk out on me..."

Someone needs to get these guys laid.

And drunk.

And in a fight.

And hooked on drugs.

Left for dead.

Broken hearted.

And punched in the balls.

Thrice.

Circling the Drain

2005-06-15T22:14:00.000-05:00

So, Michael Jackson has proven that if you find a kid from a charlatans family and surround yourself with characters out of a Terry Gilliam carnie picture - you can fuck whatever you want.

Terri Schiavo's autopsy reveals massive brain damage. Duh. That's my first thought. Then I thought about the "doctors" that told my wife she was riddled with tumors and the "doctor" that told me my back was fine when I couldn't get around without a cane. These M.E.s say that Schiavo was gonesville and that her husband was totally right to have her put down. They also said that she was blind. Like that factors into it.

This is the news story that further cements Islam on top of the list of my least favorite "religions" - Scientology was close, but they just make nice girls date Tom Cruise. In India, a woman who was raped by her father-in-law has been forced to marry him. Apparently, under Muslim law, this makes sense. Aren't these the same people who cut off your hand when you steal? Seems a tad inconsistent to me. So, she'll have to share the household with her rapist father-in-law-husband's current wife - her present husband-but-step-son-to-be's mother. Make sense? Of course not! What the fuck! What are we, cavemen? Is Allah just an ethereal version of Matthew McConaughey?

BATMAN BEGINS - FOR KEITH

2005-06-15T17:20:00.000-05:00

I meant to write a review for Batman yesterday, but me and Chuckleboy got a little bit of promising news so it fell by the wayside.

Here's the scoop - Batman Begins is the best super-hero movie I have ever seen.

I'm serious.

It's on par with the first two Superman films and the Raimi Spiderman movies. Christopher Nolan has my heartfelt thanks for correcting what Warner Brothers spent most of the nineties destroying with Joel Schumacher and softcore gay-porn. There is no aspect of the character that's missed. Nolan "gets it" one-hundred percent. Nailed. Slam-dunk.

The cast is phenomenal - with maybe the exception of Katie Holmes, who gives a believable but not great performance. Good thing everyone else is there to cover it up. Michael Caine is fantastic. Christian Bale is perfection. Tom Wilkinsen is great. Liam Neeson has the distinct ability to tell people he's trained both Batman and Darth Vader. It has multiple villains, but they all fit into the story purposefully and don't clutter it up for the sake of celebrity cameos.

I wouldn't change a frame. It gave me goose bumps, teary eyes, and a fondness for movies again. In that theater, in the dark, I was eight years old. I just wish someone like Nolan could have gotten a hold of Star Wars. But then I'm biased - I've always been partial to Batman.

Yes, I actually liked something.

Bloggerson Leader Captured!

2005-06-13T22:51:00.000-05:00

The President of Bigtobest Sends His Regards

Gunnery Sgt. Reddy Hugecock pulled the exiled leader of the Bloggerson Ebay party from an underground "spider hole" Monday at 4:00 am Bloggerson time. Handsome and burly troops of the 69th infantry received an anonymous tip from local rabbit merchants that several of their sexiest hares had turned up missing. After hearing horribly rabbit-like climaxing sounds permeating the earth - the street vendors were able to flag down Bigtobest's best, who dragged the rabbit-fucker out of his underground hiding place some time before dawn.

Bloggy Bloggerson, or as he prefers to be known - Felchy McFish-hook - was given a full medical exam. He was checked for fleas, ticks, semen, and although it's not standard procedure, he was given a deep rectal exam per his own insistence.

Once given the clean bill of health by NthoB's doctors. Felchy underwent hours of interrogation. "You'll never get me to talk. Not if you violate my anus for hours on end!" he was heard to exclaim. He often made winking gestures when presenting such challenges.

"This ain't over. Not by a longshot," lamented PFC Dikislarge, "We went real Guantanamo on his ass and he just wanted more. Sick fucker. He just kept screaming - is this all the cum ya got?!"

One thing is certain in this reporter's mind - you can take the dick out of the ass, but you can't take the ass out of the dick.

The Early Stages of Alzheimer's

2005-06-12T00:57:00.000-05:00

So, this is what I did.

I have a handful of web-sites that I hit pretty much daily, if not hourly. Among these are the blog-o-spheric musings of my superior humorist - Bob Gressis, my equal, but slightly more gay humorist - Joe Gressis, and that retarded monkey, Yates.

The following is a true story. The names have been maintained to fuck the innocent:

I came home tonight like many nights, exhausted from quieting the raging spirit which dwells within. I assembled some gift-bags for a Graduation party I'm going to tomorrow when it hit me that I don't know if Dug's girlfriend spells her name with an "H".

I decide to go to check my e-mail because the "e-vite" to the party is in there and it will likely reflect the preferred spelling of her name. When I get to the computer, though - I immediately go to Gressis DiGressis for my daily dose of the funny. Having found an amusing post about spinning with gays, I popped over to Bloggy McBloggerson to check for anything new and found nothing. Big surprise. ("Big surprise" should read as though I'm being very sarcastic - like I'm not surprised at all, or would in fact be surprised if there were a posting).

Then, I did this - see if you can spot the error.

I decided to check the Nth of Bigtobest to see if there was a new posting. I'm going to repeat that, in case you missed it.

I decided to check the Nth of Bigtobest to see if there was a new posting.

Did you catch it?

If you guessed - of course there's nothing new because you're the author, you fucking retard - then you are correct!

Just for the record - I still haven't checked the name for spelling, but I think it's weird that I know two Sara(h?) Manns. Three if you count Christopher Lee.

Interesting side-note. The Blogger spell-check doesn't recognize the word "blog" .

CLEM WILL NOT BE SILENCED!

2005-06-09T12:57:00.000-05:00

So, I don't know if you visited the earlier link on the Clem posting, but the name of the production was cited as "Spit" comics - not "Spit-take Comics". Now, Spit-Take is the name of a very mean cat who was my pupil, before she turned to evil. I gave her to my Mom, who coincidentally calls her "Spit" for short. Curious. And so we are all connected in the great circle of life.

So here's another good one. Apparently, the signed issue 0... in mint condition is worth ten bucks... but what if I told you that it can be yours for just $7!

God Hates Willie Nelson's later Works

2005-06-09T12:45:00.000-05:00

Yup.

So... I had a small crack in this CD and I was trying to copy what I could from it before the crack expanded and rendered the disc unusable. Scrolling down the song-list, I finally came to one that didn't skip. So I tried to copy that song forward. That's when I heard this:

BOOM!

Well, it really sounded like one of those robot fights on Comedy Central, but the proper onomatapiea escapes me at the moment.

Now, if you've never heard an explosion from inside your computer, you're definitely missing out. Looking down, I saw the disc tray was slightly askew. I finally convinced it to open and cleared the above debris from the tray. When I tried the drive again, it worked famously. In fact, it's still running like a dream - just one thing; not all the pieces came out.

They're still out there... somewhere...

Weird.

Quran Quran - Seven and the Ragged Toilet

2005-06-05T01:58:00.000-05:00

So there's all this talk about some marines or some such flushing a copy of the Quran, the Muslim world's most holy book, next to Judy Blum's Are you There Allah, It's Me, Kazeem? and I am sick of hearin' about it.

Here's my issue - who cares? Now, I know that a lot of Muslims, or as I like to call 'em - kooks - are going to be upset that the most sacred tome of their "religion" (If you could see me, I'm doing air-quotes as I type - it's not easy) has been defiled by the great Satan.

To this I say - get over it. Get the fuck right over it.

Look, I'm not upset if anyone wants to wipe their asses with the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy or blow their nose with Fight Club. And these are much better books than the Quran (I'm assuming - the Quran's never even been in Oprah's Book Club). I guess what bothers me is that Muslims every single day blow up some market and kill twenty or thirty people. Every single day. Yet some kid flushes a couple of pages of their favorite book down the porcelain jihad and the whole world's in an uproar. I seem to recall a couple of buildings and several thousand people getting wiped out because of this idiotic book.

Flush the fucker.

Don't apologize.

Flush it on pay-per-view.

Eat it.

Shit it out.

Then flush it.

Don't feel bad about it even for one second.

Boo hoo, somebody fwushed my wittle book. Now how will I ever know who to kill?

Interesting side-note - spell-check wanted to change "Oprah" to "ovary".

CLEM LIVES

2005-06-05T01:52:00.000-05:00

Not to be out-done by Mike Yates' sale of George Lucas' creative juices, my pal Dug has just forwarded me a window into the past. If you're like me, and thank your lucky stars if you are, you'll be dying to get your hands on an issue of CLEM: MALL SECURITY ISSUE # 0. Clem was a hero before his time. Nice to see that he's still out there demanding $2.50 per mint bag-n-board issue.

Orders 1 through 65

2005-06-03T14:09:00.000-05:00

1 - Tuna Salad sandwich. Lightly toasted.
2 - Shine boots.
3 - Brush your teeth and go to bed.
4 - Coffee. Sugar. No cream.
5 - Clean blaster.
6 - Move in an unnaturally fluid CGI manner.
7 - Stop removing your helmet.
8 - Consider, but do not perform, self castration.
9 - Do something to set yourself apart from the crowd.
10 - Get back with the crowd, mister.
11 through 56 - Create gigantic circular man-ass-daisy-chain sandwich. Remember - making love to your clone does not make you gay. Just vain.
57 - Perform self castration.
58 - Stop and smell the flowers.
59 - Tell a stranger "hello" today.
60 - Coffee. Cream. No sugar.
61 - Around the survivors, a perimeter create.
62 - Coffee. Black.
63 - Coffee. Two sweet-n-lows. No cream.
64 - Coffee. One equal. Extra cream. The fatty stuff too, not that coffee-mate shit.
65 - Pretend that everything is fine with the Jedi. We're all one big happy family.

Future Plans

2005-06-02T10:43:00.000-05:00

So, some of you are aware that my writing partner and I have a script on the market - burning up the Hollywood literary landscape. In recent jokes where I decided that my eventual biography for Don would be titled, How Much Ya Gimme? It occurred to me to brainstorm on titles of my own biography, as well as fantasize about how I would quit my job if the screenplay sold.

Bio Titles:

Ah, The Hell With It
Tangentially Being Robert's Best Friend Without His Knowledge
Whatever
Tell 'em to Suck It!
Crying on the Outside
Fuck Kids, Fuck 'em All To Hell
Mike Yates Can Suck It
Who Is This Mike Yates Cock-Sucker Anyway?

Quitting fantasies:

1 - My cell phone rings. The other end delivers good news. Puff of smoke. Skidmark.

2 - My cell phone rings. I slowly roll my work keys off my key ring. I throw the keys at Don's head - big league pitcher style.

3 - My cell phone rings. I lovingly type up my resignation. I spend two weeks living out every little Office Space fantasy I've ever dreamed of. Every customer complaint will be answered with, "That's a pisser, all right." That's if I even come out of a movie long enough to see a customer. Every E-mail and company directive will be ignored. I'll probably wear cut-off jeans and a dirty T-shirt every day. I send my ex a dozen black roses and a bag of yak-shit. I buy a bloodhound and solve mysteries.

The Vast Migration of Star Wars Fans

2005-06-02T10:37:00.000-05:00

No, that was the Star Wars Trek.

Okay, I tried blogging about this once before, and my computer crashed – so I apologize for the apparent lack of timing.

So here we go – Star Wars Episode III was one of those big releases where we have midnight shows. At our midnight show this episode, as with the last episode, there was an away-team of Star Trek fans crashing the party. They were in full Starfleet uniform with phasers on punk’d.

No shit, Star Trek fans showed up and chanted “Star Wars sucks!” at the long line of confused makeshift Wookiees and Darths. Although true, it seems a bit hypocritical. These Trekkers will also circle the parking lot and try to stir up trouble with the Lucasfilm-o-philes. They call them names and remind them that Star Trek is awesome. More awesome than Star Wars. Despite the fact that something like eight people showed up for the last Star Trek’s midnight show and nearly two-thousand came to the midnight show of Revenge of the Sith. Don’t get me wrong, they both suck quite a bit, but clearly - inarguably - Star Trek is the suckier of the two.

Mostly, I think these “assaults” are more confusing than anything. No Jedis came to the Star Trek movies to challenge the Starfleet officers during the last Star Trek release. For that matter, very few Star Trek fans came to it. I know this is sort of rambling, but it’s confusing. Damn confusing.

Underwood, Over Bice

2005-05-26T12:40:00.000-05:00

Well, another national nightmare has reached its inevitable conclusion. No, I'm not talking about Star Wars - Carrie Underwood is your newest American Idol. She beat out karaoke-mate, Bo Bice for the crown of best unemployed singer. She gets a Ford Mustang (As does Bice) a private jet, and a record deal (As will all of the top twelve). So, in effect, she's won... pretty much the same as if Bo had won, only Bo will be a little more free of the "winner of American Idol" stigma.

Let me tell you about the show finale. It was two hours long. Imagine the oscars if they only gave out one award and everything up to opening the envelope was filler. Weak filler. They reviewed the top ten worst auditions, used professional punchlines such as David Hasselhoff and William Hung, and exposed Simon's "secret" of being in love with himself in a tongue-in-cheek rebuttle to the Paula Abdul scandal. Seriously, two hours of nothing. This episode was second only to the show earlier in the year where they re-ran (live) the program where the contestants' numbers were displayed incorrectly.

Carrie won, then sang a lame song. Everyone's mission is to keep me from getting suckered in next season.

Big out.

Sith Happens

2005-05-26T12:37:00.000-05:00

I know what you're thinking - Isn't this horse dead yet? Yes, it is, but I love this news story I came across where two fans with homemade light-sabers filled with flammable liquid decided to re-enact the final duel between Obi-Wan and Anakin complete with the horrible mutilation. That's commitment.

If you read this story, you'll also find out about a string of robberies being performed by none other than the dark lord, Darth Vader! How awesome is that?

JAMES EARL JONES' VOICE IN A CAN: Uh... just the Huggies and all the money you have in the register.

Star Wars: Piece of the Shit

2005-05-18T10:09:00.000-05:00

Well, I just finished a test-screening of Star Wars Episode III Revenge of the Sith and I can tell you that it was fantastic from a presentation aspect. All of the lights-up and lights-down cues read fine and all the reels were in the right order and there were no bad splices in the trailer pack and the sound was awesome.

The story sucked.

A couple spoiler-like things lie ahead, so read on if you dare, but here's the big spoiler - Anakin totally goes evil... sort of.

In the longest action figure/video game commercial I have seen since Episode II, everyone reprises their roles (If you ever considered them "prised" to begin with.) as the cardboard cut-outs of the memorable characters of your childhood. Darth Frankenstein... er Vader finally gets forty-five seconds of screen time - which is slightly less than he gets in the new Burger King commercial - and screams, "N-o-o-o-o-o-o!" upwards... toward the unfeeling cosmos. Luke and Leia even pop onto screen as almost entirely believable CGI babies. Yoda gets to fight and is much less cartoony (The one good thing I can say.) And light-sabers, once brandished like broad-swords as things of weight and substance now flash all over the screen like Fourth-of-July sparklers.

Then, the big saber duel. The moment fans have been waiting to see for nearly thirty years. The duel between Obi-Wan and Anakin where Anakin is so horribly mutilated that he must be put in the full body iron lung and become the Darth Vader that we all remember. Except he's totally gay.

Then the worst part. All the questions - well, more like plot holes - are quickly spackled in the last two minutes of the movie. It reminded me of the last appearance of Poochie on the Itchy and Scratchy Show.

And now Jar Jar goes back to his home planet and never returns.

I've heard this called the best of the new three. I think it's the worst. Urgh. At last, the ten-year long national nightmare has come to an end.

Reservations About Reservations

2005-05-12T11:28:00.000-05:00

There's a certain "chain" Chinese restaurant that my wife and I tend to frequent. They seem to fancy themselves to be upscale.

Here's the problem. They aren't. They have a bar with sports events on television. They give you a beeper while you wait for your table. This is no big deal - plenty of restaurants do it. I'm far from being a snob, so I don't see any issue in these practices. It provides a nice environment for the clientele that they attract.

Okay, here's the actual problem. Let's say that you decide you'd like to dine at this place this evening. Many restaurants feature a call-ahead seating option so that you can give them a call when you're on your way and you won't have to crowd up their waiting area. (No lounge. Waiting area.) This joint doesn't do call-ahead seating. They take reservations.

This is where I'd like to see a definition of the word, reservation. The way I see it, a place that takes reservations would not be the kind of place that hands you a pager. A place that takes reservations, would have you wait in a lounge of some sort, not a bench by the front entry. A place that takes reservations would say, have your damn table ready at 7:25 for a 7:30 reservation. A place that takes reservations, would have a need to do so. If you call at 7:05 and make a "reservation" for 7:30 - that's what I deem to be call-ahead seating. If you need to get your name in by lunch-time in order to be able to get in for dinner, then a reservation would be appropriate. If you show up, you have to wait twenty minutes. If you call ahead for a "reservation" you have to wait ten minutes.

Why do people want to call things something they're not? It's just all so goddamn ri-fucking-diculous!

Don's Medicana

2005-05-09T10:17:00.000-05:00

So after the "Come to Jesus" meeting where Don's supervisors stressed the importance of following the chain of command, Don just two days later circumvented it. He replied to an E-mail from my boss (Let's call him Steve) and began a back-and-forth that was nothing short of a train wreck. Basically it was this:

DON'S E-MAIL: Steve - I talked to HR and they said that I may not be cleared for Friday's meetings. If possible, I'll have to see if I can get clearance for just the meeting.
STEVE'S E-MAIL: Don - There's no reason for you to contact HR over this. As we stressed last week, you report directly to Big. If you are not cleared medically to work, you are not allowed to attend the meeting. However, if you are cleared medically, your attendance is required.
DON'S E-MAIL: Steve - Not to argue, but I don't think I was outside the chain of command. Big told me to contact the benefits manager in HR and she transferred me to the HR manager so I could ask her about being cleared for the meeting. She did say that it was possible to be cleared for the meeting only, but if you don't want me there, I will oblige (I will not understand why) but I will oblige. - I anxiously await this meeting.
STEVE'S E-MAIL: Don - If you're on medical leave, you can't attend.

Now - Don's mention of how he was anxiously awaiting the HR seminar seemed a little sinister, but Steve never called to order me to kill Don, so I let it go. A little later, these stupid words escaped Don's lips:

Don: Why's Steve so dead set against me goin' ta this meetin'?
Me: You are amazing. That's what you took away from that exchange?
Don: Well HR said -
Me: HR's not your supervisor. Steve just doesn't want you at work if you're not cleared to return.
Don: But he says I went around the chain of command and I didn't.
Me: Only you totally did. That E-mail was not for you. You had no business replying to it. It was clearly for me to send him a list of attendees.
Don: But he said Assistants were required to attend.
Me: Don, if you didn't show up and I told him you were on medical leave, he'd have exactly zero problem with it. Bottom line is that he did not want to hear from you. You go through me.
Don: A'ight - I won't bother him anymore.
Me: I wish I could believe that.

So Don left on leave to have surgery on his arm. He tends to time these things very well. Breakdowns of some sort right at the beginning of the busiest seasons. My other idiot, (let's call him Dan) ripped off an appendage and is also out. I hate these fuckers. I'm losing all my good people at the end of the summer when they go back to college/grad school. I have to wait a week to begin recruiting because I'm warned that I may send the signal that I'm trying to replace someone. I don't see the problem.

This is the most amazing thing ever.

SERENITY REVIEW

2005-05-06T21:16:00.000-05:00

Okay, so I came to terms with the fact that I'm a dork and took the road-trip to Chicago to see Serenity, or if you're one of the rabid fans (Browncoats) - the Big Damn Movie.

First, the trip there was okay, but I needed a guide. Someone well steeped in MapQuest-ese or more familiar with the windy burg. Since I didn't have one, I took a wrong turn or two, but ultimately got to the show with time to spare. Then, I ran into my brother in law. No, not the skinny hillbilly with the lucky court pants - my wife's brother. He was impossible to miss - towering over the tiny Browncoats, snatching them up, gobbling off their heads, and mashing their bones into jelly. So, if you think I'm a dork for the drive - at least I had tickets! This is commitment to the cause, my friends. Joe asked me if I had an extra ticket, but I didn't... anymore. The poor bastard.

So the flick started up with an intro from Joss Whedon. It was funny and full of Whedony wit. Then the Universal logo popped up and we were in the shit. There was a little bit of exposition for the non-believers to witness and hopefully not be too lost, but I think it was a little too much a little too fast. Then we were off and runnin'. There are some big things that I won't spoil, but if you really want to know the ins and outs, it's all over the web - but it ain't here.

Mostly, I'll say that it's chock full of everything that made the series great. Likeable characters, snappy dialog, and a whole lot of fuck the establishment. It also has (For good or bad) Joss Whedon's need to be dark. Some would say that he has a tendency to be dark to a fault. I'm not going to condemn or deify Joss. I've been a fan for some time and I take the good with the bad. This film has good - and it has bad. Christ, I choked down every single episode of Angel - I can take a couple bumps in the road from the kick ass world of Firefly.

Overall, if I had five stars, I have to say I'd knee-jerk a four. When I look at it more objectively as a stand-alone movie rather than a new episode of Firefly, I'd have to chip it down to a 3.5. I think newcomers will find it difficult to follow in some spots and not concerned about the tragic elements. The tragic stuff will, however, possibly alienate some of the loyal fanbase. This may serve to get folks a talkin' , or it may serve to just piss off the small band of true-believers into splinter cells. Either way, I think it'll come up a little short in the "all things to all people" department. If I were Mr. W, I'd have been more concerned with making a big ol' crowd-pleaser and save the drama for the next movie. But what do I know - I'm a blogger.

I Think Don's Retarded

2005-05-04T20:28:00.000-05:00

I'm not saying that to be funny. It's clearly the only answer. I can't believe that this shit would come out of someone's mouth unless they were technically retarded.

So, Monday was the denouement to an essentially six-month epic of me trying to fire the shit out of Don and a couple others. My boss came in for what I've heard referred to as a "come to Jesus" meeting. Me and my staff listened to him go over some points and agreed to move forward in a singular direction. After the meeting, we (My Boss and I) met with three specific people to deal out specific discipline or directions beyond the points covered in the group meeting. The first two people we spoke with promptly agreed with us and signed the applicable documents. This took about ten minutes altogether. These were reasonable people.

Then came Don.

I should point out that all of this mess, everything, is arguably Don's fault. Don completely escaped disciplinary action. I did not. I accepted, although did not agree with, disciplinary action that suggested I tolerated Don to such a degree that it helped to breed a climate of irresponsibility. Don got nothing. Although I happily pointed out to the Human Resources department that Don was a problem we had to deal with - I was somehow in error. Amazing. Two and a half hours later our meeting with Don, despite being riddled with ridiculous drama, was over. We agreed to move forward. We did not expect Don to do so, but we agreed that we should.

The next day...

Don: I can't believe you didn't stick up for me in there yesterday.
Me: I can't believe you have the unmitigated gall to say some shit like that to your boss.
Don: What'd I say?
Me: How dare you. (Growing in volume and intensity) How dare you! How dare you! I have defended you at every single turn. The only reason you are still here is because of me! (Holding up my disciplinary slip) This is a disciplinary form for me because of shit you did! How dare you say that I haven't backed you! (beginning to flat out lose it) I'll be honest with you! If I had my way, I would fire you (finger, inches from Don's nose) I would fire Jack, and I would fire Ted! I would be done with you and your ridiculous shit! So sit there and shut the hell up and be glad you have a job, because if they wanted you fired, your ass would be sitting at home looking through the want ads! (Sensing Don's impending violent death at my hands) This conversation is over!
Don: But the-
Me: B'h-b'h-b'h-buh!
Don: This is what I'm talkin' about. You never let me talk.
Me: You had almost three hours yesterday to make your point! I've heard your point! You point is fucking stupid!
Don: We can't get along if we don't find a common ground.
Me: Then be a man and own up to the stupid shit you did, that everybody knows you did, and stop telling preposterous stories to explain your way around things. I am not going to agree with you because frankly, you are a liar. You are full of shit. I don't believe a word that comes out of that (I didn't say in-bred) mouth of yours. If you insist that these things didn't occur, then we can never be on common ground, because I happen to have a bull-shit-o-meter that's off the freakin' scales! WE. ARE. DONE !!

There's more. I'll get to it tomorrow. I hate this fucking guy.

SERENITY

2005-04-27T00:15:00.000-05:00

You can't stop the signal, Browncoats! If you're like me... well, you shouldn't be. Get a life!

Go here and get your tickets for the screening nearest you for Serenity.

Mike Yates is a fag.

Don. Buffoon ignited.

2005-04-26T21:15:00.000-05:00

So I tell Don that he may have to work this coming Sunday if a couple of things fall through. I ensure him that I would cover the Sunday shift myself, but it's my wedding anniversary.

Now this is in his head. He immediately plots out damage control.

"How 'bout, since you got an extra man here today, you let me get out and take care of his glasses (Don broke his room-mate's kid's glasses) and make it up on Sunday."

I say, "Because you probably won't have to work Sunday, and we have lot's of things to catch up on."

"But, I can work Friday night if you don't need me Sunday."

I give out a great deal of body language that says that if you push this, I will feed you your balls.

He pushes.

"Shut the fuck up. Don't say another word and leave right now. Do whatever the hell you want."

Don says, "Er, but... sniff."

I go, "How about this. It's clear that I want you to stay. I have personnel files I need to get together for human resource, I have a kitchen to finish, I have parts to order, I have tons to do... but I guess you think that doesn't matter. I guess you think that I give two shits about your room-mate's kid's glasses. I guess it's okay if this place goes just a little bit further down the toilet as long as you don't have to work today!"

Don says, "Sniff... sniff."

I hate fuckin' pussies.

Killing Deerwood

2005-04-22T03:03:00.000-05:00

I added the first part to a story on the yahoo group. If you feel like it, check it out and tell me if you want more.

Yates likes all-day tea-bags.

BALL-RUNNING-AROUND-POINT-SCORING-FUN-TIME

2005-04-22T02:25:00.000-05:00

Wednesday night, my wife and I went to another Pacers game. It was the last regular season game for Reggie Miller who has decided to retire after this season. For those of you who aren’t familiar with the game, I want you all to understand that this was actually a profound thing.

Reggie Miller played for the Pacers for eighteen seasons. He’s never played for another NBA team. He took a franchise that was floundering, put a face on it, and made it a true contender. He never won a championship, but that seems to be, in my opinion, pretty beside the point.

It needs to be understood what basketball is in Indiana. There’s actually a saying. “In forty-nine states, it’s just basketball, but this is Indiana.”

Now, it’s painfully easy to take that as corny. It is corny. Extremely corny. That’s the point. This is a part of the country that takes its basketball seriously. Every other house out here has a hoop mounted over the garage, or a regulation backboard, or even a cutout milk crate serving as a makeshift rim. This isn’t an inner city culture with kids gathering at playgrounds to learn how to do a three-sixty dunk in hopes of becoming the next Michael Jordan and escaping a world of poverty and crime. These kids aren’t plotting any escape. It’s a culture of kids who play for love of the game. They need to experience the tactile event of a wooden floor meeting the leather of a ball. The chirps of sneakers. The swish of a net as it hugs a perfect shot. In forty-nine states, it is just basketball.

Back to Reggie.

So after the game, the Pacers held a special tribute to honor number thirty-one. Several video clips were played, including Magic, Shaq, Michael Jordan, Dennis Miller, Allen Iverson, the list goes on, giving testimonials and well wishes to Miller. The president of basketball operations for the Pacers, Larry “Legend” Bird spared some kind words, as did Pacers GM, Donnie Walsh, who still receives hate mail for choosing Reggie over home grown Steve Alford. (Steve Alford? Anyone…?) The Simon family, who owns every shopping mall in the world and the Pacers, gave Reggie a Bentley. It really dawned on me the profound thing that this is. Reggie is one of those “one name” players. Michael, Shaq, Magic, Kareem, Reggie. There’s a certain pride in his never getting a ring. Even when you think about Jordan, or Bill Russell who has more championship rings than he has fingers to put them on. Reggie always tried. Always went at it. Rooting for the underdogs isn’t as fun if they’re not underdogs. The Indiana Pacers have always been a pest for all of the, so-called, “show-time” teams. Whoever you are, you still need to go through Indiana.

Even though it’s ridiculous – the idea of people, grown men, running up and down a court to put a ball in a basket for points, and whoever gets the most points wins, I still found myself a little misty eyed, knowing that I’d never get to see Reggie play again. And I know that it makes me a sell out to NBA marketing and somewhat of a dork, but I’m going to say it anyway… I love this game.

Don's Woes

2005-04-19T13:03:00.000-05:00

So Don took his vacation last week the instant the time became available. There was some disagreement over whether or not he had a week, or a week plus one day.

To describe Don, picture Kramer and George Costanza having a baby that was raised by that donkey from Hee Haw.

Sanchez: What are we doin' about Sunday?
Me: What about Sunday?
Sanchez: Don's not working.
Me: Yes, he is.
Sanchez: But there was an E-mail saying he wasn't working.
Me: Then, there was an E-mail from me saying that he goddamn is working. He's working.
Sanchez: (Laughter)

He worked. Then the next day...

Don: Well, I know you're not gonna like this.
Me: I can tell you already that I don't. What's up?
Don: I gotta go into get a follow up for my MRI.

(Don, at any given time, has no less than two physical injuries.)

Me: What time?
Don: I gotta leave by four at the latest.
Me: Okay.
Don: I never heard of that before, a follow up for an MRI two days after, have you?
Me: That does sound completely made up.
Don: What's that? (He's also half deaf)
Me: Get documentation.
Don: I will.
Me: Suck it.
Don: What's that?

This happened once - We had a corporate auditor at our location who directed Don and myself to not close out any register drawers until she was able to complete her audit.

(Some back story here, Don used to run another location across town. This specific auditor's findings at his location ultimately resulted in Don's removal from that place.)

I was in the office. The auditor knocked on the door. I opened the door. She made straight for the phone.

Auditor: Don closed out a register! Did you hear me say not to?
Me: I heard it. He was sitting right there.
Auditor: What a... (grunts and such followed)

Don came into the office and looked stupid. The auditor spoke with someone who corrected the error. She left the office and said something very pedestrian like, "Let's see if we can't figure this out," or, "I'll be downstairs." Something of this nature.

Don: What'd she say?

I repeated what she said.

Don: She say I was an idiot?
Me: No.
Don: You sure?
Me: I'm sure she didn't say it. You are and idiot. She's undoubtedly thinking it, but she didn't say it.
Don: I know I heard her mouth say idiot.
Me: What does that even mean? How could you clearly hear something she didn't say and completely miss something she clearly did say? Get a hearing aid.

Two days into Don's vacation:

Phone rings.

Me: Thank you for choosing...
Don: Hey.
Me: What's up?
Don: I had some damage done to my house and car. About ten thousand dollars worth.
Me: Hm.
Don: Police said that ninety-percent of the time, it's someone at work.
Me: Hm.
Don: Has anybody...
Me: Has anyone come in boasting about vandalizing your house?
Don: Yeah.
Me: No.
Don: Can you think of anyone who...
My brain: That kid you stole the golf clubs from would be a good place to start, but then so many people hate you, including me, that it's really anyone's guess.
Me: Nope.
Don: Some vacation.
My brain: Well, don't lead the kind of life that makes people want to hunt you down and fuck you up.
Me: Hm.
Don: Alight, we'll talk atcha.

Click.

Ultimately, the ten grand rose to eighteen grand. By next blog it could be more. These legends get exaggerated over time.

Confused Lyrics

2005-04-19T02:51:00.000-05:00

These are some lyrics to IRON MAN by Black Sabbath:

He was turned to steel
In the great magnetic field
Where he traveled time
For the future of mankind

That doesn't make any sense. "The" great magnetic field. Not "a" great magnetic field. I'm not comfortable that there seems to be a magnetic field somewhere that needs no distinction. And it's capable of turning people to steel.

Also, where'd the chair come from in the Devil Went Down to Georgia?

Just sit back in that chair right there and let me show you how it's done.

Up to this point, all we know is that a young man is playing a fiddle (And playing it hot) and the devil jumps upon a Hickory stump.

Where'd the chair come into play? Why is there a chair out by the Hickory stump?

Or this gem:

Because your kiss.

Your kiss.

Is on my list. (repeat)

Why is there a list of kisses? It's a list of the best things in life, that's why. Who are these people making these lists?

That'll teach her to look so good and feel so right.

FROM DOWNTOWN!!!

2005-04-15T03:54:00.000-05:00

I got some tickets the other night to a Pacers game. If you're Mike Yates, click here and here so that you will understand the rest of the blog.

Anyway, the Pacers played the New Jersey Nets. It was a delight to see Jason Kidd and Vince Carter as well as our hometown team featuring NBA legend, despite being a little bit of a dweeb, Reggie Miller. It was a come from behind win for the Pacers who seldom fail to keep you on edge for the full forty-eight.

Here's the thing that bothered me. Every time someone shot a three-pointer, the Conseco Fieldhouse announcer would say, "Home run!"

Now, since you might be as big of a dumb-ass as Yates, I'll just explain. There aren't "home runs" in basketball. That's baseball. So I can only imagine that the announcer had a conversation like this one before going out that night:

ANNCR: Hey guys. I think that tonight, whenever someone hits a three-point shot? I'm gonna say, "HOME RUN!"
GUY: Why?
ANNCR: You know. For effect.
ANOTHER GUY: But, baseball is home run.
ANNCR: I know, but...
YET ANOTHER GUY: What about touchdown?
ANNCR: Well, that's good too, I guess.
GUY: Or "three-ten split!"
ANOTHER GUY: Blackjack!
YET ANOTHER GUY: YAHTZEE!!!
GUY: KING ME!
ANNCR: Ah, forget it. You guys suck.

Daylight Saving Time to Suck My Balls

2005-04-15T03:24:00.000-05:00

The state of Indiana has had one thing that I have really loved through the years. We don't arbitrarily change our clocks twice a year for no reason.

Daylight saving time is there to "save" daylight.

I say, why does daylight need savin'? What's so goddamn great about daylight? If you like daylight so much... get up earlier. Marry daylight.

Why do we have to worry about setting clocks up and back and checking our VCRs to make sure the robot inside changed the time and getting to work on time and so forth? It's clearly very stupid.

Clearly.

Very.

So, the state of Indiana, or more pointedly the Governor. (Make sure, you visit that link. This guy's a doozie.) Anyway, his first order of business after being elected? Change the clocks! Thi is job one! Madness!

His reasoning is that it will bring more businesses to the apparently dying economy of Indiana. The assertion is that no "normally timed" states will even do business with us "odd-timers" since we don't change our clocks all willy-nilly.

So here's my idea of the Governor's idea of what sort of thing goes down at an out of state business meeting:

CEO: Let's try shipping our product to Indiana.
CFO: No good. They're an hour behind us now. Maybe in a week.
CEO: What happens in a week?
CFO: They'll be on the same time as us.
The CEO's head explodes.

Here's the deal. Three states in our union fail to observe this retarded thing - Hawaii, Arizona, and Indiana. But get this - some parts of Indiana illegally change their clocks. Yes! Some counties actually ignore the state law and change their clocks! It's madness! Why not take the other forty-seven states and release them from their prisons of clockery!

Fuck daylight.

The Amityville Snorer

2005-04-15T03:12:00.000-05:00

Okay, so I saw the original Amityville and was scared shitless. True, it was when I was a kid and thought all that crap the Lutz's made up was some hardcore shit. It was also during my dad's mid-life crisis where he had a thick and scary James Brolin beard. I fully expected him to murder us all in our sleep without the influence of evil spirits.

I remember the Lutz couple being on every talk show and media outlet. I freaked out every time I thought about it. Ghosts. Eeek.

Enter Ryan Reynolds. Now, there's a great many things scarier than Van Wilder trying to swing an axe at you. Like realizing those eighty-nine minutes of your life are gone and they're not coming back. Go and see for yourself.

Also, they threw in a pretty ridiculous explanation for the evil spirits.

The red room was much scarier. Just a room. All red.

The Lutz's are apparently still out there, making public appearances. Well, ,George Lutz anyway. Kathy croaked a week into shooting the re-make.

She took the easy way out.

Celebrity Face-Off

2005-04-11T21:39:00.000-05:00

The Discovery Channel has a show called "Animal Face-Off".

In this show, engineers construct mechanical mock-ups of existing animals to see which animal would win in a fight.

Why?

No reason. They just want to know who would win a fight between a bear and an alligator, or a hippopotamus and a bull-shark. Possibly a Gorilla and a Leopard. Or my favorite - a sperm whale and a colossal squid.

Thank God SOMEONE is finally working on this.

So here's my idea. Those same technicians spend hours reconstructing mechanical versions of celebrities. A robot with all the strength and viciousness of Mr. T squares off against an automaton version of Justin Timberlake. It would sort of be like Celebrity Deathmatch, but instead of claymated stars, they provide hard scientific data proving that Justin's moves are simply too great for T. Eventually, he tires like his alter ego, Clubber Lang and is helpless before the breast-baring action claw of Timberlake.

The only other possible way to make this show better, is to answer the life-long question of every geek. Who would win in a race between Superman and the Flash?